I feel like a broken record sometimes telling everyone I know how dysfunctional our society is on so many levels. Like, we've designed a culture and society that is the worst possible environment for us as a deeply social species, including our children. I have to check out this book now!
As someone without kids, I’ve kind of given up on investing in friendships with parents. I’ve found they’re too busy with child centered activities to make the investment worth it for me. I reach out to them but they have a kids sports event (that they don’t invite me to). Or I’ll ask if I can come over, bring them dinner, and we can just hang out, but they hd a long day at work. I’d love to be included in their community and can offer a lot of support but they tend to exclude me in favor of just being a little nuclear family. I so appreciated how this interview addresses the child-free. We can be allies. I’m happy to help (and I have the time since I’m child free).
I'm so glad you felt seen by this as a child-free person, that was definitely my intention — I think breaking down that divide is an important part of the solution. And if you were my friend I'd say yes to all of the above :) You may like Anne Helen Peterson's writing on this, she addresses how parents can show up for child-free folks and vice versa!
Thank you Alissa. I have done what you have done probably for the same reasons and largely had the same “results”. This has made me sad but also baffled me because as the discussion shows: we all benefit when we ally together. It’s so obvious and a win-win-win - win for child - parent - alloparent - surrounding community. Thanks Rosie for knocking it out of the park ... again 💚🙏🏽
Thanks for sharing this. I have a friend who has offered to help or stop by before but I never considered it seriously because she wasn't family. I had this idea in my head that only family sincerely wants to help with parenting. Now I see I may have done myself and our friendship a disservice. But hopefully it's not too late! This was the perfect article and comments section for me to come across today.
Hunt, Gather, Parent was my favorite book of last year and I don’t even have kids! I am a teacher of young kids, though, and I see the ramifications of our WEIRD culture every day.
Exceptional interview. I recently moved from a close-knit neighborhood that was filled with alloparents for my two daughters. I like our new place very much, but one thing I really miss is that element of feeling connected to my neighbors. But I realize that it didn't happen overnight, even in that small community. I'm invested in bringing it to our new neighborhood; I just have to remember that it will take some patience. Forging relationships takes time in our WEIRD world.
I read Hunt, Gather, Parent last year and found it so helpful! Our home is much calmer now that we think about our interactions with our daughter in a new way.
Thank you, Rosie! Another really thoughtful read that gets right at the heart of a core element of our WEIRD cultural dysfunction.
Loved this:
"I don’t need to teach my child to be alone or independent. What I need to do and learn — and am still learning — is how to cooperate with people, and connect. It’s such an irony: the more I connect and bond with my daughter Rosy, the more this child becomes independent."
and this:
"I think that science has limited our collective mental health in some ways. Because I think there are so many things you can't prove with randomized controlled trials. And yet, you can live them day after day."
and this!:
"The second thing is I really want to teach her that giving and helping other people is this incredible source of joy."
I am 53 with four kids… I raised them mostly between 1999 and... well, actually I still have a 14 year old!
One of the most blatant parenting differences between the early 2000s and now, is it seems no one hires babysitters anymore! With my first three children, I hired 13 year-old babysitters nearly ever weekend; even for toddlers and babies. I purposely did not hire kids over 16 because they were more expensive and didn’t play with the children as much as a 13 year olds did. I don’t know if I was naïve or trusting or what but, it seems that even if they have the bank account, today’s young parents don’t seem to use neighborhood babysitters anymore. There is so much fear- so much distrust - and even guilt.
And on a different topic, phone use has made parenting of tweens & teenagers, completely different (difficult!!) - than in the early 2000s.
this is such a good point. I’m 41, i have a three and and eight year old. i keep thinking we need to find a babysitter or get into the habit of asking other parents to watch our kids then we can take a turn with theirs etc. and for some reason it just never happens. i feel we’re stuck in a certain pattern and it’s hard to change. i think fear and distrust are definitely a big part of this too. i was also a teen babysitter and i loved it, sure the kids (and their parents!) did too!
What a great interview. I haven’t heard of this book, it’s on my list now. It all resonated deeply, especially the part about opening your home to others and hoping it’s reciprocated. it’s a slow process though, people are definitely open to it but also set in their ways and it feels like it takes a long time to shift things. I too find it much easier looking after four kids than two (except at snack and meal time!!)
I love Michaeleen Doucleff so much. Her book made me excited for the toddler stage, not fearful like I was before reading it. I recommend it to everyone. Changed my view of what life could be, what it's meant to be. Also -- improved my relationship with my husband! Haha!
Me too!! My daughter is very much like Rosy in the book -- a wild cat! But thanks to Hunt, Gather, Parent, I'm well equipped to know how to handle it :)
Thank you for this interview. I loved the book. I've been trying to build connections with other parents since my kid was born six years ago, but it's so difficult. I too discovered that my son is much easier to manage when he has a friend over, but I have the hardest time getting other families to agree to play dates. It's so strange, I always jump at the chance for my son to visit a friend's house, but when I invite kids or families over, they almost never reciprocate, and even if I allow it to be one-sided (which I don't even mind, cause two kids are easier than one) it's hard to pin people down for dates.
I feel like a broken record sometimes telling everyone I know how dysfunctional our society is on so many levels. Like, we've designed a culture and society that is the worst possible environment for us as a deeply social species, including our children. I have to check out this book now!
As someone without kids, I’ve kind of given up on investing in friendships with parents. I’ve found they’re too busy with child centered activities to make the investment worth it for me. I reach out to them but they have a kids sports event (that they don’t invite me to). Or I’ll ask if I can come over, bring them dinner, and we can just hang out, but they hd a long day at work. I’d love to be included in their community and can offer a lot of support but they tend to exclude me in favor of just being a little nuclear family. I so appreciated how this interview addresses the child-free. We can be allies. I’m happy to help (and I have the time since I’m child free).
I'm so glad you felt seen by this as a child-free person, that was definitely my intention — I think breaking down that divide is an important part of the solution. And if you were my friend I'd say yes to all of the above :) You may like Anne Helen Peterson's writing on this, she addresses how parents can show up for child-free folks and vice versa!
Thank you Alissa. I have done what you have done probably for the same reasons and largely had the same “results”. This has made me sad but also baffled me because as the discussion shows: we all benefit when we ally together. It’s so obvious and a win-win-win - win for child - parent - alloparent - surrounding community. Thanks Rosie for knocking it out of the park ... again 💚🙏🏽
Thanks for sharing this. I have a friend who has offered to help or stop by before but I never considered it seriously because she wasn't family. I had this idea in my head that only family sincerely wants to help with parenting. Now I see I may have done myself and our friendship a disservice. But hopefully it's not too late! This was the perfect article and comments section for me to come across today.
Hunt, Gather, Parent was my favorite book of last year and I don’t even have kids! I am a teacher of young kids, though, and I see the ramifications of our WEIRD culture every day.
Yes, I would have totally found her book interesting even if I wasn't about to have a kid
Exceptional interview. I recently moved from a close-knit neighborhood that was filled with alloparents for my two daughters. I like our new place very much, but one thing I really miss is that element of feeling connected to my neighbors. But I realize that it didn't happen overnight, even in that small community. I'm invested in bringing it to our new neighborhood; I just have to remember that it will take some patience. Forging relationships takes time in our WEIRD world.
This is an incredible interview!! I am a loooong way off from having kids but need to read this book asap! Thank you for sharing :)
Great article! Such wise advice. We have so much to learn from other cultures.
I read Hunt, Gather, Parent last year and found it so helpful! Our home is much calmer now that we think about our interactions with our daughter in a new way.
Thank you, Rosie! Another really thoughtful read that gets right at the heart of a core element of our WEIRD cultural dysfunction.
Loved this:
"I don’t need to teach my child to be alone or independent. What I need to do and learn — and am still learning — is how to cooperate with people, and connect. It’s such an irony: the more I connect and bond with my daughter Rosy, the more this child becomes independent."
and this:
"I think that science has limited our collective mental health in some ways. Because I think there are so many things you can't prove with randomized controlled trials. And yet, you can live them day after day."
and this!:
"The second thing is I really want to teach her that giving and helping other people is this incredible source of joy."
I am 53 with four kids… I raised them mostly between 1999 and... well, actually I still have a 14 year old!
One of the most blatant parenting differences between the early 2000s and now, is it seems no one hires babysitters anymore! With my first three children, I hired 13 year-old babysitters nearly ever weekend; even for toddlers and babies. I purposely did not hire kids over 16 because they were more expensive and didn’t play with the children as much as a 13 year olds did. I don’t know if I was naïve or trusting or what but, it seems that even if they have the bank account, today’s young parents don’t seem to use neighborhood babysitters anymore. There is so much fear- so much distrust - and even guilt.
And on a different topic, phone use has made parenting of tweens & teenagers, completely different (difficult!!) - than in the early 2000s.
I was a 13 year old babysitter circa 2003! I think you’re totally right
this is such a good point. I’m 41, i have a three and and eight year old. i keep thinking we need to find a babysitter or get into the habit of asking other parents to watch our kids then we can take a turn with theirs etc. and for some reason it just never happens. i feel we’re stuck in a certain pattern and it’s hard to change. i think fear and distrust are definitely a big part of this too. i was also a teen babysitter and i loved it, sure the kids (and their parents!) did too!
What a great interview. I haven’t heard of this book, it’s on my list now. It all resonated deeply, especially the part about opening your home to others and hoping it’s reciprocated. it’s a slow process though, people are definitely open to it but also set in their ways and it feels like it takes a long time to shift things. I too find it much easier looking after four kids than two (except at snack and meal time!!)
I love Michaeleen Doucleff so much. Her book made me excited for the toddler stage, not fearful like I was before reading it. I recommend it to everyone. Changed my view of what life could be, what it's meant to be. Also -- improved my relationship with my husband! Haha!
Yes! I think of her book almost every day while toddler parenting.
Me too!! My daughter is very much like Rosy in the book -- a wild cat! But thanks to Hunt, Gather, Parent, I'm well equipped to know how to handle it :)
Thank you for this interview. I loved the book. I've been trying to build connections with other parents since my kid was born six years ago, but it's so difficult. I too discovered that my son is much easier to manage when he has a friend over, but I have the hardest time getting other families to agree to play dates. It's so strange, I always jump at the chance for my son to visit a friend's house, but when I invite kids or families over, they almost never reciprocate, and even if I allow it to be one-sided (which I don't even mind, cause two kids are easier than one) it's hard to pin people down for dates.
thanks for your work, you're incredible and your writting and interviews are just amazing, kind, insightful!