We moved to the other side of the US from everyone we knew for my spouse's job as we became parents. It was and is tough. But we have good friends, traditions, and community here after 13 years of community-building.
For the most part, it took showing up in person regularly. Being proactive when introducing myself and sharing contact/social info. Making time to say yes to other people's invitations and trying to say yes the first time I'm asked--most people don't ask twice. Be the person who asks twice (or more!).
What a lot of people miss about this kind of village building is that it takes "quantity time" to get the quality time. People don't ask for help from those who are never in a position to see them when they're vulnerable.
It's so easy to turn down an afternoon coffee or a playdate or a girl's game night because it seems so trivial, but those are the times when, in between setting out snacks or playing bunco, you find out what your friends really need. Maybe she has a doctor's appointment and needs someone to watch the baby, or maybe she was planning to leave her dog at a kennel while she's out of town, and you could offer to watch it. Or maybe she laments her car trouble or a leak in the roof, and you happen to have a handy husband to volunteer(sorry, honey!). If it weren't for these "trivial" times, would you even know about any of these ways to help?
The trickiest part of community building for me is offering help when people don’t ask v doing it when they ask. My natural instinct is to leave people alone and respect their privacy (Its a very individualist- anglosphere cultural trait).
Building community is something I’ve only slowly worked my way into, but I’m now enjoying great success at.
Though I don’t currently have kids myself, I can certainly increasingly see the wider social networks required to support them, and how if possible these networks are best achieved on a community level (rather than requiring the state to step in- though thats helpful at times).
What I do find is community works best when there are simply things that need doing, and/or you’re around people with shared goals aims (Raising kids is an obvious example). People without community I think often romanticise community- or they view it with the lens of ‘what can I get out of this’. A great saying I’ve heard is ‘people want the benefits of community but without the costs’.
I loveee this essay! I really enjoyed the structure of it, how you went from a personal experience to the ecologies (& explained that so perfectly- I’d never looked at the world in that way but the way you described it made perfect sense) and ended it with a bit of politics & something to think about, it’s great. I genuinely love this way of looking at relationships and the way people interact with one another!
I love this article! I’m unsure if I want children but I’m finding so much joy in helping my friends with theirs. Living a few doors down from some close friends with a baby means we can pop round and help out with anything, or have them over, or go for a walk… feels nurturing for all involved.
on a maybe unrelated and wandering note: i too often see people who also believe in this whole 'it takes a village' thing (yay!) but who simultaneously take any chance they can to say how much they hate kids and their presence, and have this "well if u couldn't make ur kids behave, just don't have kids" type of thing (not yay!) its hard for me to understand how these two attitudes can co exist in one persons belief system. one attitude see's children as valuable members of community and the other see's them someone else's .... product? ...item? ...problem?
idk where im going with this, but im hopeful for a future where these people can realise their role in their communities and deconstruct these clashing thoughts
I love your grassroots compassion and care oriented thinking.
As a childless and dogless school teacher, I abandoned my plants with my boyfriend and spent the past 3 weeks helping my sister with her new bubs and three-year old. Our mum joined with her collie and we stayed with our grandparents and their staffy. We had a magic time building our village. We took it in turns to hold, soothe, entertain, to cook, shop, hang up endless laundry, to lament and laugh. We foraged for blackberries, chamomile, yarrow, and mint. We shared in the awe, the effort and tantrums. And it's hard work - even with an army of alloparents to help!
So much THIS. I'm reading Lucy Jones's book right now, and as a friend is expecting her first any day now (and my sister is on the other side of the planet with an infant), have been thinking so much about exactly this--how we can better care for each other NOW. Great piece. And thanks for the recs at the end! :)
I love this article! It reminded me how lucky I was to raise our daughters in our village. We had Friday Fun Nights for years that we shared with three other families. We rotated homes and got together every Friday after school for playtime and dinner.
"When I became a mother a little over two years ago, I didn’t realize at first that what I was actually becoming was a caretaker. And that was a state of being, a continuous act of labor, an expansive human capacity that I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t know existed before that day." I have a 2 year old and (almost) 5 year old and this is just so perfectly said, and something I have not really been able to put into words.
My first step might sound selfish, but I've abandoned professional ambition in exchange for personal discovery. Doing other things than focus on work are helping me figure out how I can care for others.
What a kinship I feel to the sentiment of this post! Cultivating communities of care (for my family of 4 and more generally) is something I’ve been thinking long and hard about for 18 months.
I had a prenatal yoga teacher who I did not know well come drop off a lasagna, no questions asked, after the birth of my second baby last November. She had to ask twice. And it was the single most moving thing someone has likely done for me.
My neighborhood has a WhatsApp group that has been a nice gateway for me to explore how I can help to meet some neighbors’ needs. I’ve also committed to hosting a monthly potluck dinner at our home in the hopes of growing our local community. All very much in progress.
After reading this piece, I feel moved to look for more and to better figure out how to ask for help I need (something that has been squeezed out of me over time as a high-achieving, eldest child). Thank you!
I had my third in such a community. Getting help with my older kids while giving birth was no problem! While birthing, *I* had tremendous support. Afterward, people took my older kids away regularly, brought meals, came and helped with housework.
It was joy.
We moved while I was pg with my next. What a culture shock, when I barely knew my neighbours. Still, someone hosted a baby shower for me in the new community.
I really enjoyed your essay. “The Ecology of Care” by Didi Pershouse is a wonderful book about this idea of the need to care for one another and the world around us, and how we as humans are built to be in real relationship. It was written in 2016, before exploding social media and the pandemic made things even worse with respect to maintaining personal connections in the community, and your essay made me think I should re-read it in the context of 2024.
I think you’ll enjoy it. I don’t remember a lot of the specifics, because that’s not how my brain works, but I remember being moved by it and recommending it to people at the time. I kept it on my shelf specifically because I thought I might want to read it again (usually I prefer to set my books free into the world for more people to enjoy). Maybe it’s time. 😊
We moved to the other side of the US from everyone we knew for my spouse's job as we became parents. It was and is tough. But we have good friends, traditions, and community here after 13 years of community-building.
For the most part, it took showing up in person regularly. Being proactive when introducing myself and sharing contact/social info. Making time to say yes to other people's invitations and trying to say yes the first time I'm asked--most people don't ask twice. Be the person who asks twice (or more!).
Be the person who asks twice or more. Especially for overwhelmed moms of young kids. Totally agree.
What a lot of people miss about this kind of village building is that it takes "quantity time" to get the quality time. People don't ask for help from those who are never in a position to see them when they're vulnerable.
It's so easy to turn down an afternoon coffee or a playdate or a girl's game night because it seems so trivial, but those are the times when, in between setting out snacks or playing bunco, you find out what your friends really need. Maybe she has a doctor's appointment and needs someone to watch the baby, or maybe she was planning to leave her dog at a kennel while she's out of town, and you could offer to watch it. Or maybe she laments her car trouble or a leak in the roof, and you happen to have a handy husband to volunteer(sorry, honey!). If it weren't for these "trivial" times, would you even know about any of these ways to help?
Also, Meal Trains are an absolute godsend!
Totally agree, this is a crucial point. You have to show up for the seemingly low stakes stuff. Thats how you build it.
The trickiest part of community building for me is offering help when people don’t ask v doing it when they ask. My natural instinct is to leave people alone and respect their privacy (Its a very individualist- anglosphere cultural trait).
I also recommend this Louise Perry essay about growing old and community: https://www.louiseperry.co.uk/p/we-will-all-become-boring
A lot of people share that struggle, I will address it in the follow up piece. Thanks for sharing!
Building community is something I’ve only slowly worked my way into, but I’m now enjoying great success at.
Though I don’t currently have kids myself, I can certainly increasingly see the wider social networks required to support them, and how if possible these networks are best achieved on a community level (rather than requiring the state to step in- though thats helpful at times).
What I do find is community works best when there are simply things that need doing, and/or you’re around people with shared goals aims (Raising kids is an obvious example). People without community I think often romanticise community- or they view it with the lens of ‘what can I get out of this’. A great saying I’ve heard is ‘people want the benefits of community but without the costs’.
I loveee this essay! I really enjoyed the structure of it, how you went from a personal experience to the ecologies (& explained that so perfectly- I’d never looked at the world in that way but the way you described it made perfect sense) and ended it with a bit of politics & something to think about, it’s great. I genuinely love this way of looking at relationships and the way people interact with one another!
Thank you for noticing! What a nice comment
I love this article! I’m unsure if I want children but I’m finding so much joy in helping my friends with theirs. Living a few doors down from some close friends with a baby means we can pop round and help out with anything, or have them over, or go for a walk… feels nurturing for all involved.
Love this sooo much!!
on a maybe unrelated and wandering note: i too often see people who also believe in this whole 'it takes a village' thing (yay!) but who simultaneously take any chance they can to say how much they hate kids and their presence, and have this "well if u couldn't make ur kids behave, just don't have kids" type of thing (not yay!) its hard for me to understand how these two attitudes can co exist in one persons belief system. one attitude see's children as valuable members of community and the other see's them someone else's .... product? ...item? ...problem?
idk where im going with this, but im hopeful for a future where these people can realise their role in their communities and deconstruct these clashing thoughts
It's a very astute observation. I have noticed that too!
Beautiful poem -- thanks for sharing!
I love your grassroots compassion and care oriented thinking.
As a childless and dogless school teacher, I abandoned my plants with my boyfriend and spent the past 3 weeks helping my sister with her new bubs and three-year old. Our mum joined with her collie and we stayed with our grandparents and their staffy. We had a magic time building our village. We took it in turns to hold, soothe, entertain, to cook, shop, hang up endless laundry, to lament and laugh. We foraged for blackberries, chamomile, yarrow, and mint. We shared in the awe, the effort and tantrums. And it's hard work - even with an army of alloparents to help!
I'm excited for your next article!
So much THIS. I'm reading Lucy Jones's book right now, and as a friend is expecting her first any day now (and my sister is on the other side of the planet with an infant), have been thinking so much about exactly this--how we can better care for each other NOW. Great piece. And thanks for the recs at the end! :)
I love this article! It reminded me how lucky I was to raise our daughters in our village. We had Friday Fun Nights for years that we shared with three other families. We rotated homes and got together every Friday after school for playtime and dinner.
"When I became a mother a little over two years ago, I didn’t realize at first that what I was actually becoming was a caretaker. And that was a state of being, a continuous act of labor, an expansive human capacity that I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t know existed before that day." I have a 2 year old and (almost) 5 year old and this is just so perfectly said, and something I have not really been able to put into words.
Thank you, I'm glad it resonated x
My first step might sound selfish, but I've abandoned professional ambition in exchange for personal discovery. Doing other things than focus on work are helping me figure out how I can care for others.
What a kinship I feel to the sentiment of this post! Cultivating communities of care (for my family of 4 and more generally) is something I’ve been thinking long and hard about for 18 months.
I had a prenatal yoga teacher who I did not know well come drop off a lasagna, no questions asked, after the birth of my second baby last November. She had to ask twice. And it was the single most moving thing someone has likely done for me.
My neighborhood has a WhatsApp group that has been a nice gateway for me to explore how I can help to meet some neighbors’ needs. I’ve also committed to hosting a monthly potluck dinner at our home in the hopes of growing our local community. All very much in progress.
After reading this piece, I feel moved to look for more and to better figure out how to ask for help I need (something that has been squeezed out of me over time as a high-achieving, eldest child). Thank you!
Thank you for sharing! Whatsapp groups can be such a great start for this kind of thing. I used to avoid them, but I love our neighbourhood one now.
I had my third in such a community. Getting help with my older kids while giving birth was no problem! While birthing, *I* had tremendous support. Afterward, people took my older kids away regularly, brought meals, came and helped with housework.
It was joy.
We moved while I was pg with my next. What a culture shock, when I barely knew my neighbours. Still, someone hosted a baby shower for me in the new community.
I really enjoyed your essay. “The Ecology of Care” by Didi Pershouse is a wonderful book about this idea of the need to care for one another and the world around us, and how we as humans are built to be in real relationship. It was written in 2016, before exploding social media and the pandemic made things even worse with respect to maintaining personal connections in the community, and your essay made me think I should re-read it in the context of 2024.
thank you for alerting me to this! i will read it
I think you’ll enjoy it. I don’t remember a lot of the specifics, because that’s not how my brain works, but I remember being moved by it and recommending it to people at the time. I kept it on my shelf specifically because I thought I might want to read it again (usually I prefer to set my books free into the world for more people to enjoy). Maybe it’s time. 😊