I could not have related to this more. I live in South East London and when I became pregnant, so many people from outside of London responded with 'I wouldn't want to raise a baby in London.' I live on a terraced street and even before having my baby, there's a sense of 'playing in the street' because we're all in such close quarters to…
I could not have related to this more. I live in South East London and when I became pregnant, so many people from outside of London responded with 'I wouldn't want to raise a baby in London.' I live on a terraced street and even before having my baby, there's a sense of 'playing in the street' because we're all in such close quarters to each other. We joined an NCT group (parenting classes) and the group of eight couples have now formed such an integral community for me--honestly a lifeline--especially in the newborn days. I've never been able to make plans so spontaneously. This compounded when we had a devastating flood a few months ago and had to move out - we've lived in three of our friends houses, all with small babies. I cannot imagine calling on help like this before. I felt great friction in asking for help, even when it was freely offered, but it made me realise how often I avoid it and as such, avoid a real sense of understanding and belonging within a community.
I love this comment! And I'm so glad you found that. For some reason my ante-natal group didn't end up being that for me, but I've heard from loads of women who had that experience. It also sounds like you've gotten good at the asking part, which I think is the biggest block for most of us!
Absolutely! I don’t understand how it’s so hard when we’re encouraged to ask for help as children so often. Even when someone asks you to call on them, I always feel it’s too much. Your piece communicated this so well - the capitalist reframing of convenience. I wonder if the habit of paying for the services you need--even the little ones--makes us feel like we ‘owe’ those who offer help freely?
Thank you for highlighting something very important here. The modern 'paying for' help or convenience has changed the friendship dynamic. Asking for and receiving help is a huge friendship building block as it shows you need other people, it allows for the expression of kindness, trust, vulnerability and generosity. Some of the cornerstones of deep friendship. Now, friends pay a therapist to talk about deep stuff, have food delivered when sick, hire a handyman for house help, get a pet sitter for their cat, get an uber to the airport etc. Obviously, not always, but generally speaking. As someone who has travelled extensively and lived in different countries, I see it most strikingly in the shift to monetising accommodation. It used to be so cosy to stay with friends, nobody expected much. A sofa was fine. Your own bedroom? Wow, absolute luxury! Now, it's more complicated. People have the option to rent out for income, or it is expected you'll find accommodation yourself. (again, not always, but the 'rules' have changed). And yes, there are advantages to this. It's often nicer to get your own place to stay. But the cosiness, the closeness, the interaction with everyday life in all its ups and downs is missing. Many simple social interactions are now lost to "convenience". And there really is nothing better than true friendship where you never feel you 'owe' your friend anything. You just know everything is given and / or received with love. Nobody's keeping score. Money can't buy that.
I could not have related to this more. I live in South East London and when I became pregnant, so many people from outside of London responded with 'I wouldn't want to raise a baby in London.' I live on a terraced street and even before having my baby, there's a sense of 'playing in the street' because we're all in such close quarters to each other. We joined an NCT group (parenting classes) and the group of eight couples have now formed such an integral community for me--honestly a lifeline--especially in the newborn days. I've never been able to make plans so spontaneously. This compounded when we had a devastating flood a few months ago and had to move out - we've lived in three of our friends houses, all with small babies. I cannot imagine calling on help like this before. I felt great friction in asking for help, even when it was freely offered, but it made me realise how often I avoid it and as such, avoid a real sense of understanding and belonging within a community.
I love this comment! And I'm so glad you found that. For some reason my ante-natal group didn't end up being that for me, but I've heard from loads of women who had that experience. It also sounds like you've gotten good at the asking part, which I think is the biggest block for most of us!
Absolutely! I don’t understand how it’s so hard when we’re encouraged to ask for help as children so often. Even when someone asks you to call on them, I always feel it’s too much. Your piece communicated this so well - the capitalist reframing of convenience. I wonder if the habit of paying for the services you need--even the little ones--makes us feel like we ‘owe’ those who offer help freely?
Thank you for highlighting something very important here. The modern 'paying for' help or convenience has changed the friendship dynamic. Asking for and receiving help is a huge friendship building block as it shows you need other people, it allows for the expression of kindness, trust, vulnerability and generosity. Some of the cornerstones of deep friendship. Now, friends pay a therapist to talk about deep stuff, have food delivered when sick, hire a handyman for house help, get a pet sitter for their cat, get an uber to the airport etc. Obviously, not always, but generally speaking. As someone who has travelled extensively and lived in different countries, I see it most strikingly in the shift to monetising accommodation. It used to be so cosy to stay with friends, nobody expected much. A sofa was fine. Your own bedroom? Wow, absolute luxury! Now, it's more complicated. People have the option to rent out for income, or it is expected you'll find accommodation yourself. (again, not always, but the 'rules' have changed). And yes, there are advantages to this. It's often nicer to get your own place to stay. But the cosiness, the closeness, the interaction with everyday life in all its ups and downs is missing. Many simple social interactions are now lost to "convenience". And there really is nothing better than true friendship where you never feel you 'owe' your friend anything. You just know everything is given and / or received with love. Nobody's keeping score. Money can't buy that.
Spot on!
How beautiful - so glad you found this as a new mama/family!