"One thing many millennials readers in particular seemed to respond to in the piece was the idea of constantly starting over. New job, new city, new relationship. " as a 70 year-old, I can tell you it's not just you millennials. This has been true for a long long time in our culture. Every generation thinks the grass is always greener when they're young.
I just found this post and your newsletter through my other subscriptions and it feels so timely. My husband and I both made the same decision a couple months ago and are now deep into the logistics of moving our family of four from Berlin to Kent... I've moved many times in my life but never for the reasons and values that are making me move now. It's funny how our values change - I don't think my husband and I could have predicted this decision a few months ago but it felt right as soon as we brought it up.
Yet another great piece, both in your own, oh-so-earnest-and-enjoyable writing, and in the links you've shared, each one of which I sense I'll enjoy following. Thank you, and I'll gladly switch to a paid subscription today.
Welcome home, Rosie. I appreciate the title of this essay and think of all the ways I've discovered it to be true: new home, new job, new year... I do find I can cultivate intentions that help me shift and grow. I was smitten by the the neighborhood greetings you described upon arrival to the new location. Just today my husband and I learned that an elderly neighbor just two doors down passed away. We've lived here 12 years and didn't know her. I am sorry we didn't do a better job of trying, so now I have a new intention. I can't start over, but I can be open for change.
Loved this! I'm in warming up to enter the roiling waters of moving. I've found myself succumbing to the fresh start fallacy more and more. I can't tell if it's just me being lazy (new place = new me) or if I'm falling prey to the fallacy to psych myself up for the ordeal. Anyway...thanks for this piece :)
i received a notice from my landlord that I need to let them know by today whether I intend on resigning my lease or not, so this comes as timely as it can! i didn’t “hate” moving that much when i did it 4 different times in college “it brought a change” “a new atmosphere” since i was 15 min away from my parents. Now that im a million miles away from them, no support on the move by my roommates, and obviously not landlord, moving is hard, hard, hard.
Letting go off the fresh start fallacy is letting go off the fact that its brings a new you, no it brings a different version of you, because change is the only thing happens, over and over again.
Funny enough, it was when our son was one that we came to the same conclusion and decided to move back to NY after 10 years in SF, to be close to family.
While a new place doesn’t create a new you, what I’ve found is that it cleared a good amount of space for me to find a new me. By disrupting all of my patterns, I suddenly had a lot of new space to fill in my life. I was able to bring a lot of intentionality into that space.
I too found that I yearned for seasons again, but had no idea until I arrived. I used to say I couldn’t come back to NY because of the winter. Now it’s one of my favorite seasons. The quiet, the reduction of stimulation… it’s been a beautiful space for slowing down and going inward.
It wasn’t moving back to NY that allowed me to change. It took a few other life quakes for that to happen. But something about having the blank canvas of a new place allowed me to put the pieces of my life back together with less friction. If that makes sense.
—
A synchronicity:
In Sahil Blooms newsletter today he shared this zen parable:
Two men come to visit a Zen teacher to inquire about moving to his village.
The first man enters and says, "I am thinking of moving to this village, how is it here?" The teacher replies, "Well, how is your current village?" The man responds, "It’s terrible, I hate it there." The Zen teacher answers, "This village is the same, you won’t like it."
The second man enters and says, "I am thinking of moving to this village, how is it here?" The teacher replies, "Well, how is your current village?" The man responds, "It’s wonderful, I love it there." The Zen teacher answers, "This village is the same, you will like it."
—
What a delightful surprise to see the shout out at the end of your post. Honored that you’re enjoying my writing. Thanks you so much for sharing ❤️
This is lovely as always, and very timely! I’m actively considering whether to move from the SF Bay Area back to my parent’s town in England for a few years for help and community for our 3 young kids.
On one hand, I initially rejected the premise of the fresh start fallacy, because I LOVE fresh starts. Whenever I move location, or even go on holiday for a while, I love the act of skinnying down possessions to only those that matter most, and getting rid of everything superfluous. And I love the venturing out to discover new surroundings. Will this be my new coffee shop? My new fav bar or restaurant? With a new start everything seems possible.
But I suppose you are right, because that newness is by default temporary. It is guaranteed to end and everything new becomes the new normal. And when that happens, I suppose there we are!
So one thing I’d love to hear on top of your article - is there anything that you feel you are doing differently this time to learn from your previous experience and get a more sustaining benefit this time?
Hi Kirsten! We moved to Leeds, in Yorkshire (in the north of England) where my husband is originally from. Leeds is a small city and we live in one of its village-y suburbs. By US standards it's not actually that far, still roughly a roughly 2 hour train from London. But I think culturally it's quite different here in terms of people's attitudes. My brother in law said to me that the default in the south (London) is for people not to say hello, the default in the north is to always say hello. So far that is noticeably true!
I grew up in Portsmouth (south), went to uni in Manchester (north), then a postgrad year in London, then six years in Woking (south). My parents were from Rotherham in Yorkshire, so I spent time there visiting extended family. And yes, people in the north are much more friendly.
It's upside down in Holland as the Catholic south, where I lived for six years, is friendlier than the Protestant north. My twelve year current home of Whidbey Island in the Pacific Northwest is much friendlier that my previous twenty-five year home of New Jersey. But I've carried my crap to each one!
As a serial mover, I can only wholeheartedly agree. It’s not the move, it’s not the running away from or to, it’s us. Having family nearer by (what a wonderful luxury) is wonderful. It will only be what you make it. Sometimes you can’t make it what is needed so it’s time to move again. But ultimately it’s up to you.
"One thing many millennials readers in particular seemed to respond to in the piece was the idea of constantly starting over. New job, new city, new relationship. " as a 70 year-old, I can tell you it's not just you millennials. This has been true for a long long time in our culture. Every generation thinks the grass is always greener when they're young.
I just found this post and your newsletter through my other subscriptions and it feels so timely. My husband and I both made the same decision a couple months ago and are now deep into the logistics of moving our family of four from Berlin to Kent... I've moved many times in my life but never for the reasons and values that are making me move now. It's funny how our values change - I don't think my husband and I could have predicted this decision a few months ago but it felt right as soon as we brought it up.
Thanks for this post, and for the link to 101 ideas for friendship.
Thank you for this - we are about to move from London to Scotland, and your words resonate with me.
Hope the move goes well, Kate!
Thank you.
Yet another great piece, both in your own, oh-so-earnest-and-enjoyable writing, and in the links you've shared, each one of which I sense I'll enjoy following. Thank you, and I'll gladly switch to a paid subscription today.
Welcome home, Rosie. I appreciate the title of this essay and think of all the ways I've discovered it to be true: new home, new job, new year... I do find I can cultivate intentions that help me shift and grow. I was smitten by the the neighborhood greetings you described upon arrival to the new location. Just today my husband and I learned that an elderly neighbor just two doors down passed away. We've lived here 12 years and didn't know her. I am sorry we didn't do a better job of trying, so now I have a new intention. I can't start over, but I can be open for change.
Just finished a beautiful book by Mike Gayle: “All the Lonely People” which gives plenty of inspiration to try reaching out (even when this is hard)
Thanks, Jenny. I"ll take a look!
This is wonderful Rosie, I love the idea of chats over garden beds, wishing you many of those and much happiness in Leeds! 💕
One thing people realise the more they move is that they cannot escape themselves
Loved this! I'm in warming up to enter the roiling waters of moving. I've found myself succumbing to the fresh start fallacy more and more. I can't tell if it's just me being lazy (new place = new me) or if I'm falling prey to the fallacy to psych myself up for the ordeal. Anyway...thanks for this piece :)
i received a notice from my landlord that I need to let them know by today whether I intend on resigning my lease or not, so this comes as timely as it can! i didn’t “hate” moving that much when i did it 4 different times in college “it brought a change” “a new atmosphere” since i was 15 min away from my parents. Now that im a million miles away from them, no support on the move by my roommates, and obviously not landlord, moving is hard, hard, hard.
Letting go off the fresh start fallacy is letting go off the fact that its brings a new you, no it brings a different version of you, because change is the only thing happens, over and over again.
side note: so jealous of your natural light in that picture, i want to move with that much natural light!
So much resonates from this post.
Funny enough, it was when our son was one that we came to the same conclusion and decided to move back to NY after 10 years in SF, to be close to family.
While a new place doesn’t create a new you, what I’ve found is that it cleared a good amount of space for me to find a new me. By disrupting all of my patterns, I suddenly had a lot of new space to fill in my life. I was able to bring a lot of intentionality into that space.
I too found that I yearned for seasons again, but had no idea until I arrived. I used to say I couldn’t come back to NY because of the winter. Now it’s one of my favorite seasons. The quiet, the reduction of stimulation… it’s been a beautiful space for slowing down and going inward.
It wasn’t moving back to NY that allowed me to change. It took a few other life quakes for that to happen. But something about having the blank canvas of a new place allowed me to put the pieces of my life back together with less friction. If that makes sense.
—
A synchronicity:
In Sahil Blooms newsletter today he shared this zen parable:
Two men come to visit a Zen teacher to inquire about moving to his village.
The first man enters and says, "I am thinking of moving to this village, how is it here?" The teacher replies, "Well, how is your current village?" The man responds, "It’s terrible, I hate it there." The Zen teacher answers, "This village is the same, you won’t like it."
The second man enters and says, "I am thinking of moving to this village, how is it here?" The teacher replies, "Well, how is your current village?" The man responds, "It’s wonderful, I love it there." The Zen teacher answers, "This village is the same, you will like it."
—
What a delightful surprise to see the shout out at the end of your post. Honored that you’re enjoying my writing. Thanks you so much for sharing ❤️
A synchronicity indeed! Maybe the saying should be "Wherever you go, keeping doing the work."
This is lovely as always, and very timely! I’m actively considering whether to move from the SF Bay Area back to my parent’s town in England for a few years for help and community for our 3 young kids.
On one hand, I initially rejected the premise of the fresh start fallacy, because I LOVE fresh starts. Whenever I move location, or even go on holiday for a while, I love the act of skinnying down possessions to only those that matter most, and getting rid of everything superfluous. And I love the venturing out to discover new surroundings. Will this be my new coffee shop? My new fav bar or restaurant? With a new start everything seems possible.
But I suppose you are right, because that newness is by default temporary. It is guaranteed to end and everything new becomes the new normal. And when that happens, I suppose there we are!
So one thing I’d love to hear on top of your article - is there anything that you feel you are doing differently this time to learn from your previous experience and get a more sustaining benefit this time?
Thank you for your thoughts and question! I'm going to answer it in upcoming AMA :)
I would love to know where you moved? It sounds like a small place? Is it where you grew up or where family lives?
Was wondering the same!
Hi Kirsten! We moved to Leeds, in Yorkshire (in the north of England) where my husband is originally from. Leeds is a small city and we live in one of its village-y suburbs. By US standards it's not actually that far, still roughly a roughly 2 hour train from London. But I think culturally it's quite different here in terms of people's attitudes. My brother in law said to me that the default in the south (London) is for people not to say hello, the default in the north is to always say hello. So far that is noticeably true!
It sounds lovely—all the neighbors coming by to say hello. Reminded me of how it was when I was growing up. Happy to hear it still happens!
I grew up in Portsmouth (south), went to uni in Manchester (north), then a postgrad year in London, then six years in Woking (south). My parents were from Rotherham in Yorkshire, so I spent time there visiting extended family. And yes, people in the north are much more friendly.
It's upside down in Holland as the Catholic south, where I lived for six years, is friendlier than the Protestant north. My twelve year current home of Whidbey Island in the Pacific Northwest is much friendlier that my previous twenty-five year home of New Jersey. But I've carried my crap to each one!
Not too far from my family in Sheffield / bridlington! Gotta get the Spinkses together 😂
As a serial mover, I can only wholeheartedly agree. It’s not the move, it’s not the running away from or to, it’s us. Having family nearer by (what a wonderful luxury) is wonderful. It will only be what you make it. Sometimes you can’t make it what is needed so it’s time to move again. But ultimately it’s up to you.
Such a lovely piece. So true as well. I've moved cities and countries and the streets change, but not who you are.
Spot on!! I loved this piece!!