Thank you for this. I am so annoyed by every take on "tweakments" being accompanied by this choice feminist caveat of "But you do you! Choose whatever makes you feel good!". Because no, digging everyone else's grave a little deeper can never be a feminist act. Of course I can understand when someone chooses to undertake this adaption, as you call it - but we have to acknowledge it for what it is: actively contributing to the system that made you feel like you have an expiration date in the first place.
I agree with the notion that feminism is at least in part about allowing women to make choices, but those choices don't exist in a vacuum, and when enough women start making similar choices it's worth talking about what's driving the trend emerging from those choices and what the consequences of those choices are.
Some great points. I am 54 and work in work places populated by women in their mid 30s who are all Botox-ing. They come to me for advice on many things and I have to be careful to check my disgust about what they are doing. The biggest thing I want them to understand (but also I get that that is impossible for them to do until it happens) - is the notion that you actually like yourself more as you age. I loved my body way more in my 40s than any other time before. My face in my late 40s was my favourite version of my face ever. Partly due to lessons learned of who I was and what was best for me but also a true understanding of what lights me up. I was at my most natural and most beautiful. Post menopause I have had to deal with some self doubt setting in but also have to remind myself that if it was true that I loved myself as time passed then it would most likely happen again.
I’m so happy I did not have alterations as I would never have gotten to have seen that beautiful me that was growing my whole life.
Thank you for writing this. We need more people to say this same thing so that the 96% of us who don't get botox (not even the 'baby' version) have sturdier ground to stand on. x
Haley Nahman's essay was excellent, as is this. I had botox a handful of times, for my eleven lines, partly because I worked with people who didn't need to feel any more judged and partly because they make me look aggressive. It didn't sit right with me, though it wasn't about anti-ageing. Once I read Nahman's essay it finally clicked and I know I will never do it again, even though they are now all I see and jump right off my face at me, because I would rather do what is good for the collective. As you say, it makes no sense to participate in a system that I truly hope does not perpetuate long enough to impact my daughter. I understand that people want to feel good on an individual level, and it is a minefield trying to thrive in this world as middle aged woman (I'm 40), but if my face reminds one other woman that she doesn't have to buy into this bullshit, rather than makes one other woman think she needs a smoother forehead then that's enough for me.
The patriarchy’s fear of the crone underlies much of the machine that encourages women to alter their natural appearance.
Being in your 30’s means you are on the cusp of all the wisdom and clarity that aging brings. It’s the perfect time to distract from that growing insight with criticism of the outward appearance.
Gray hair, the crowning glory of the crone, is especially to be feared. Today it is an act of courage for a woman to go gray. The patriarchy says it’s “letting yourself go” in the most derogatory way. In reality going gray is a fantastic liberating experience that only adds to the clarity, wisdom and power of becoming and being a valuable (feared) crone.
So happy to read the machine is not grinding you down or dragging you in. I hope you and all 30 and 40 somethings embrace the first gray hairs with excitement and defiance.
A few years ago, when my daughter was about four, she was brushing my hair and noticed my few grays for the first time. “Mom! You have tinsel in your hair! Can I have some?” She was delighted to learn that yes, when she is a grownup, she will eventually grow her own hair tinsel. Her response solidified my intention not to dye my hair or otherwise hide my age. I want her to see that is OK.
This topic, as you write it so well, appeared on my radar in a way I did not expect either...so fast and with this hint of "normality" that I find hard to accept. Because of my health, my early and mid-30s made my skin very dry and I look older than my age, by quite a stretch. It forced me to work on my perceived self worth and it took years to realize that the people I spend my time with and the ones whose opinion matters to me really don't give a care at all about my wrinkles and state of my skin, they care about my wellbeing and presence. Now that I am healing, I am actually looking forward to having "normal" wrinkles for a 40 yo woman. Looking forever young was never the goal. Being well inside and out is where it is.
Being a political statement by the very act of being - and *not* doing - is not something I, as a white, cis-presenting person, ever imagined for myself. Every line of this resonated.
From one creature to another - who also constantly wonders, 'Am I the crazy one?'
I loved this piece. Also...it's not just women. I'm 54, usually mistaken by people to be 5-10 years younger than I am. Last week I was walking through a large convention hall here in Milan and a saleswoman stepped out of her booth and asked me abruptly what I would change about my face if I could. I demurred, but she persisted: "What would you change? OF COURSE you would change SOMETHING; everyone would!" She then suggested that perhaps (probably?) it was my wrinkles I would like to change, and—wouldn't you know it—she had a product that I could use just once a week to lessen those pesky things. I would love to have seen the expression on my (Botox-free) face when she told me it was €320!! It was a hard no from me.
And all of the above was just about my face. Don't even get me started on AI, and how it seems nearly everyone is just diving in headfirst with few if any qualms. When it comes to my writing, I am a hard, hard NO on AI. I don't use it generate ideas, I don't use it to produce first drafts, I don't even use it to grammar check or edit for length. No, no, no, and no, thank you. I'm choosing creature over machine. As I like to tell people, "If you don't like my writing, blame me, because I actually wrote it!"
This is beautiful. I want to read it again and again. Last week I read Rosie O'Donnell's essay about getting a facelift and it threw me off. Not in a big serious way, and I don't really feel judgy of her- but of a world that doesn't celebrate age, and cannot see beauty in a complicated meaningful way. Your words land in deep!
Love this essay, this comments section, and this line in particular:
“What I am seeking is not success in the machine, but liberation from it.” One little rebellion at a time.
I love real faces. I find them genuinely beautiful, and they’re everywhere (offline.) Kudos to all the lined, sparkle-grayed, wise women coming into their crone era. 🎉
Wendell Berry's novel "Hannah Coulter" really broke up the log jam that kept this 'old guy' jangled since the '90's. That, and the other novels of the Port William, Kentucky membership are eye opening, especially for the folks who are becoming 'collapse aware'. But, to your insight shared here:
The compulsions to conform you've listed here are disturbing in the manner in which we, in general, and women, specifically are expected to conform. The rise in Mar-a-Lago face is just bizarre to my eyes, and leaves me with images straight out of Terry Gilliam's 1980's film "Brazil". Which film tells a story of totalitarianism that doesn't end well. As if it ever could. I really appreciated the point of view you've shared here, and have been bringing more widely. My two sons are your age, and you give me a great deal of insight into the tensions of their lives. They'd find your work validating, by the way.
This entire conversation, from your written contribution to the those of the Comments, called to mind a bit of anarchist poetry of a hundred years ago: by a cranky Welsh-Anglican rector of a small rural church, R. S. Thomas*, which I'm pretty sure is from his poem "Other". I've committed it to memory, and it's sure to disrupt the usual conversation around 'investments', so, here:
"The Machine appeared in the distance, singing to itself of money. Its song was the web they were caught in, men and women together. The villages were as flies to be sucked empty. God secreted a tear. "Enough! Enough!", he commanded. But the Machine just looked at him, and went on singing..."
Tim Long, Just up the Hill from Lock 15
*A well-delivered conversation on the Machine and Aldous Huxley, delivered by Paul Kingsnorth, can be found here, which was taped at a presentation to the Aldous Huxley Conference in Talinn, held a couple years ago, here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy_iTsCleGA&t=1585sc
Love this so much, especially this part: "But I’m done pretending that the choice to participate in all of this is neutral, that it doesn’t extend beyond the individual." Thank you for this.
I feel this tension and admire where you've landed. Also not a botox-user but definitely an anxious lifelong sunscreen applier who nonetheless started aging much faster when I had kids - it really kinda is hard to feel ok with! It's stressful. Love a flattering bang though, and love the desire to let life do its thing and accept our animal bodies
Thank you for this wonderful post. I think about this a lot too, especially with my 2-year-old daughter by my side. I don’t want her to feel like her mom has an expiration date. I want her to see the aging process as something natural and not something to fight against or be afraid of.
Our bodies do so much every day, allowing us to watch the sunset, to walk, to enjoy life. I think it’s terrible that we no longer thank our bodies, but instead look at them solely through the lens of being flawed or no longer young enough.
Damn it, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air, eat your veggies, and breathe - you’re alive.
Thank you for this. I am so annoyed by every take on "tweakments" being accompanied by this choice feminist caveat of "But you do you! Choose whatever makes you feel good!". Because no, digging everyone else's grave a little deeper can never be a feminist act. Of course I can understand when someone chooses to undertake this adaption, as you call it - but we have to acknowledge it for what it is: actively contributing to the system that made you feel like you have an expiration date in the first place.
It’s incredible we’ve allowed people to say this for so long. It makes no sense!
I agree with the notion that feminism is at least in part about allowing women to make choices, but those choices don't exist in a vacuum, and when enough women start making similar choices it's worth talking about what's driving the trend emerging from those choices and what the consequences of those choices are.
Like a choice to sit outside an abortion clinic. It’s a choice with impacts on other women.
Some great points. I am 54 and work in work places populated by women in their mid 30s who are all Botox-ing. They come to me for advice on many things and I have to be careful to check my disgust about what they are doing. The biggest thing I want them to understand (but also I get that that is impossible for them to do until it happens) - is the notion that you actually like yourself more as you age. I loved my body way more in my 40s than any other time before. My face in my late 40s was my favourite version of my face ever. Partly due to lessons learned of who I was and what was best for me but also a true understanding of what lights me up. I was at my most natural and most beautiful. Post menopause I have had to deal with some self doubt setting in but also have to remind myself that if it was true that I loved myself as time passed then it would most likely happen again.
I’m so happy I did not have alterations as I would never have gotten to have seen that beautiful me that was growing my whole life.
What a beautiful comment! Thank you for this well-earned perspective
I love this! Feel the same way. My body amazes me, and I know it better as I age. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for writing this. We need more people to say this same thing so that the 96% of us who don't get botox (not even the 'baby' version) have sturdier ground to stand on. x
Thank you for reading!
Insightful writing as always. This line in particular is a banger:
“What I am seeking is not success in the machine, but liberation from it.”
Now that’s a mantra to live by!
Haley Nahman's essay was excellent, as is this. I had botox a handful of times, for my eleven lines, partly because I worked with people who didn't need to feel any more judged and partly because they make me look aggressive. It didn't sit right with me, though it wasn't about anti-ageing. Once I read Nahman's essay it finally clicked and I know I will never do it again, even though they are now all I see and jump right off my face at me, because I would rather do what is good for the collective. As you say, it makes no sense to participate in a system that I truly hope does not perpetuate long enough to impact my daughter. I understand that people want to feel good on an individual level, and it is a minefield trying to thrive in this world as middle aged woman (I'm 40), but if my face reminds one other woman that she doesn't have to buy into this bullshit, rather than makes one other woman think she needs a smoother forehead then that's enough for me.
I think your thought on doing what is good for the collective is a powerful one, especially in this context.
The patriarchy’s fear of the crone underlies much of the machine that encourages women to alter their natural appearance.
Being in your 30’s means you are on the cusp of all the wisdom and clarity that aging brings. It’s the perfect time to distract from that growing insight with criticism of the outward appearance.
Gray hair, the crowning glory of the crone, is especially to be feared. Today it is an act of courage for a woman to go gray. The patriarchy says it’s “letting yourself go” in the most derogatory way. In reality going gray is a fantastic liberating experience that only adds to the clarity, wisdom and power of becoming and being a valuable (feared) crone.
So happy to read the machine is not grinding you down or dragging you in. I hope you and all 30 and 40 somethings embrace the first gray hairs with excitement and defiance.
That's so true! Patriarchy is right to fear me at this point tbh. I'm ready!
A few years ago, when my daughter was about four, she was brushing my hair and noticed my few grays for the first time. “Mom! You have tinsel in your hair! Can I have some?” She was delighted to learn that yes, when she is a grownup, she will eventually grow her own hair tinsel. Her response solidified my intention not to dye my hair or otherwise hide my age. I want her to see that is OK.
My daughter used to call wrinkles “sprinkles”. 🥰
Love it! Little kids can be so refreshing this way. People have to be taught that signs of age are “wrong” or “bad.”
38 with a full head of silver hair here. Let them be afraid!
Love this! Completely agree. As I age, I am discovering my witchy crone wisdom and it is amazing.
This topic, as you write it so well, appeared on my radar in a way I did not expect either...so fast and with this hint of "normality" that I find hard to accept. Because of my health, my early and mid-30s made my skin very dry and I look older than my age, by quite a stretch. It forced me to work on my perceived self worth and it took years to realize that the people I spend my time with and the ones whose opinion matters to me really don't give a care at all about my wrinkles and state of my skin, they care about my wellbeing and presence. Now that I am healing, I am actually looking forward to having "normal" wrinkles for a 40 yo woman. Looking forever young was never the goal. Being well inside and out is where it is.
Being a political statement by the very act of being - and *not* doing - is not something I, as a white, cis-presenting person, ever imagined for myself. Every line of this resonated.
From one creature to another - who also constantly wonders, 'Am I the crazy one?'
I loved this piece. Also...it's not just women. I'm 54, usually mistaken by people to be 5-10 years younger than I am. Last week I was walking through a large convention hall here in Milan and a saleswoman stepped out of her booth and asked me abruptly what I would change about my face if I could. I demurred, but she persisted: "What would you change? OF COURSE you would change SOMETHING; everyone would!" She then suggested that perhaps (probably?) it was my wrinkles I would like to change, and—wouldn't you know it—she had a product that I could use just once a week to lessen those pesky things. I would love to have seen the expression on my (Botox-free) face when she told me it was €320!! It was a hard no from me.
And all of the above was just about my face. Don't even get me started on AI, and how it seems nearly everyone is just diving in headfirst with few if any qualms. When it comes to my writing, I am a hard, hard NO on AI. I don't use it generate ideas, I don't use it to produce first drafts, I don't even use it to grammar check or edit for length. No, no, no, and no, thank you. I'm choosing creature over machine. As I like to tell people, "If you don't like my writing, blame me, because I actually wrote it!"
This is beautiful. I want to read it again and again. Last week I read Rosie O'Donnell's essay about getting a facelift and it threw me off. Not in a big serious way, and I don't really feel judgy of her- but of a world that doesn't celebrate age, and cannot see beauty in a complicated meaningful way. Your words land in deep!
I admired Caroline Kennedy’s wonderfully furrowed face in a recent news article. Her integrity, framed in genuineness, mirrors her life story.
We earn those measures that show on our brows and cheeks and chins.
Excellent essay. Thank you!
Love this essay, this comments section, and this line in particular:
“What I am seeking is not success in the machine, but liberation from it.” One little rebellion at a time.
I love real faces. I find them genuinely beautiful, and they’re everywhere (offline.) Kudos to all the lined, sparkle-grayed, wise women coming into their crone era. 🎉
Wendell Berry's novel "Hannah Coulter" really broke up the log jam that kept this 'old guy' jangled since the '90's. That, and the other novels of the Port William, Kentucky membership are eye opening, especially for the folks who are becoming 'collapse aware'. But, to your insight shared here:
The compulsions to conform you've listed here are disturbing in the manner in which we, in general, and women, specifically are expected to conform. The rise in Mar-a-Lago face is just bizarre to my eyes, and leaves me with images straight out of Terry Gilliam's 1980's film "Brazil". Which film tells a story of totalitarianism that doesn't end well. As if it ever could. I really appreciated the point of view you've shared here, and have been bringing more widely. My two sons are your age, and you give me a great deal of insight into the tensions of their lives. They'd find your work validating, by the way.
This entire conversation, from your written contribution to the those of the Comments, called to mind a bit of anarchist poetry of a hundred years ago: by a cranky Welsh-Anglican rector of a small rural church, R. S. Thomas*, which I'm pretty sure is from his poem "Other". I've committed it to memory, and it's sure to disrupt the usual conversation around 'investments', so, here:
"The Machine appeared in the distance, singing to itself of money. Its song was the web they were caught in, men and women together. The villages were as flies to be sucked empty. God secreted a tear. "Enough! Enough!", he commanded. But the Machine just looked at him, and went on singing..."
Tim Long, Just up the Hill from Lock 15
*A well-delivered conversation on the Machine and Aldous Huxley, delivered by Paul Kingsnorth, can be found here, which was taped at a presentation to the Aldous Huxley Conference in Talinn, held a couple years ago, here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy_iTsCleGA&t=1585sc
Love this so much, especially this part: "But I’m done pretending that the choice to participate in all of this is neutral, that it doesn’t extend beyond the individual." Thank you for this.
I feel this tension and admire where you've landed. Also not a botox-user but definitely an anxious lifelong sunscreen applier who nonetheless started aging much faster when I had kids - it really kinda is hard to feel ok with! It's stressful. Love a flattering bang though, and love the desire to let life do its thing and accept our animal bodies
Thank you for this wonderful post. I think about this a lot too, especially with my 2-year-old daughter by my side. I don’t want her to feel like her mom has an expiration date. I want her to see the aging process as something natural and not something to fight against or be afraid of.
Our bodies do so much every day, allowing us to watch the sunset, to walk, to enjoy life. I think it’s terrible that we no longer thank our bodies, but instead look at them solely through the lens of being flawed or no longer young enough.
Damn it, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air, eat your veggies, and breathe - you’re alive.
Oh. And screw patriarchy!