So on the money as always Rosie. My version of this is a loose collective of 30 something women with whom I host “full moon dinners” which sounds more woo than it is.
The idea was simply to avoid scheduling headaches - it’s just a potluck dinner, every full moon. You know the dates for the full year in advance. Sometimes a Tuesday, sometimes a Saturday, but there’s always one day that everyone can make.
So essentially we are the old guys at the CBTL. Friday mornings at the local coffee shop where we jokingly call our area "The Table of Knowledge" Some of us are retired, others are lucky enough to be able to shave an hour out of the beginning of the day to drop in. No agenda. The retirees check the obits, we'll talk about the foxes raising kits in another neighbor's yard, and gripe about the news, as people come and go.
We moved to a small town in 2022. We knew one couple - an old friend from the bigger city we were all willingly priced-out of.
At the end of 2023 I started a local book club, meeting in town on Wednesday at 5PM - deliberately not accessible to people from out of town. It now has 7 regular members, half from “out of town” like us, half local for life.
The town council facilitates for free the promotion of community events on boards, so I made posters and first sent them monthly, then quarterly, and now not at all. We like our small group. We now know each other, and I got quite close with two people. New friendships have grown out of that.
It took us 9 months at least to get to that point. First meeting for a casual coffee to chat about books, then making other plans like attending craft events, and we’re now hosting our own crafting+wine in each others’ houses. When my husband had to “abandon” me on my birthday, I had enough people to invite over for a candle-lit tea and pie on Monday night to keep me company.
I think the key is consistency over time - which is really a simple definition of “care”.
You don’t always have to be there, but show up enough and express the regret for not being able to join when you can’t show up, and suddenly a bunch of strangers are your friends, and you have local people you can hang out with, rely on, borrow things from.
Building community is mostly boring mixed with small touch points (send your group chat some memes every now and then, it makes everyone happy). But that’s just real life. Next-day delivery is artificial brain junk food. All good things take time.
Two things - I started in November. People are preoccupied with the usual end of year shenanigans. January is also a time a lot of people start new things.
And the second thing - I think seeing posters about consistently let people know this is actually happening.
I did get lucky with the people who joined, maybe nothing changed in reality and it was just meant to be?
Love this article, Rosie. We moved to a new neighbourhood ( downsized) and left many close friends in our old one. After a few months of meeting NO ONE ( even though I tried— walking my dog sssslllowly past homes and trying to make eye contact and always smiling), I put a note in the Neighbourhood Facebook page and said my husband and I would love to meet you, we are putting a table out, with some wine and snacks at the end of our driveway next Sunday … we hope you come say hello. 9 families came! Some people ex said they had lived there for years and had never met anyone! All said thank you!
A simple, 4 word text, “driveway coffee Saturday 8 am?” gets it started. We bring our own chair and coffee. Two hours later we have learned, revealed, discussed, reminisced, critiqued, laughed, considered and often cried, as we agreed to do this again soon.
Saying “yes” to opportunities have been a game changer, and require very little effort, with a lot of reward. For some, this small encounter means everything.
I have two spaces like this! My husband and I started a Sunday Soup Night this winter; we've so far invited a few dozen friends and family and attendance has ranged from 2 to 15 guests a week. The simple rules are: house is open from 5-8 every week, contributions are welcome but not expected, RSVPs are helpful but not required. As we find our feet for hosting larger groups each week we're working to widen the invite list to neighbors we don't know well but hope to know better. we'd been talking about doing something like this for years - we love cooking and we have a home and so this was something we could create. This newsletter definitely helped me feel like this was actually an essential thing to do in this time in human history. It already feels essential. And so easy to just invite anyone new, the barrier for us is so low!
The second space is one I created in my professional life. I work at a museum in a programs role, and when I started there there was no sense that we should offer free programs - everything we did was supposed to be revenue generating. But that felt silly to me and I eventually created two new programs, which we called Makers Morning and Makers Night. Similar concept to both: bring your own project, show up ready to talk about what you're making and talk about making things with other people. We get everything from knitters to quilters, spoon carvers to scrapbookers. Makers Night is monthly, and always at the museum. It has a sweet little regular crew.
Makers Morning has always been weekly, originally also at the museum. But during COVID we moved it online and realized it made barriers so low, some kept it that way. You can literally pop in for 15 minutes, or stay for an hour and half, you don't have to drive anywhere or pack up your stuff. It's been particularly accessible for a segment of older folks who aren't super mobile but can use basic technology (do I still coach about Zoom settings most weeks? sure do). We have a core group here too and I adore them.
A whole bunch of IRL friendships have been created out of the zoom friendships. I have watched people finish quilts they started 30 years ago, try a completely new craft because someone else talked about it, pull out heirlooms to figure out how their great-grandmother made them... such good stuff. And I don't know how we did this but we have such good vibes in both spaces. It's not judgy, it's not show-offy. It's eagerly curious, ready to problem solve, and decisively friendly. Since both are regular, you can come and go, and I've even seen people make it a time to specifically meet with friends.
One final interesting note is that I do play gatekeeper to some degree for both of these spaces. I've had requests from students and researchers to come in and interview people because they consider this a captive audience, and I'm super against this - this community is giving us nothing but their time but I'm not going to take that away from them for something else. Of course, everyone is welcome to join but we don't let the conversation get hijacked into a presentation. And I do sometimes get comments from people who drop in and then drop out, and email me later to say it's not a friendly group. I think mostly they mean it's not what they expected or that they wish everyone went around every week to give an introduction. But for the most part, I or my colleague are there to moderate and just make sure no one person completely overtakes the conversation, so we leave it to everyone to talk as much or as little as they like. Hearing about people's dogs and exercise classes and travel is part of the package as is super nerdy talks about bowl turning and favorite knitting patterns. I do think this also partly comes from the fact that lots of folks aren't used to jumping into a conversation that has been developing over years; yes it can be a bit awkward at the beginning but also if you're patient, it's so fulfilling.
Such wonderful, inspiring examples. Thank you for sharing! I'm not familiar with the concept of soup nights, but do you and your husband prepare soup for everyone who might come? How does that work when people don't RSVP but still show up anyway?
We have generally been making two soups a week, with the expectation that if we have leftovers we'll freeze (to have back up for future soup nights) or just to eat for the coming week. It's worked out great so far! We're being strategic about which soups we serve to make sure we always have a vegetarian and/or dairy free option (the main dietary restrictions among friends). We have a chest freezer so we have place to store extras. And this has been a great way to work through some back stock in our pantry!
So far people have been pretty good about RSVPing if they will come, but we're working with folks we know pretty well in general and that might be less of the case if you're casting the net further afield.
Last tip is we've been putting out mugs, rather than big bowls. Easier to stand and hold and chat, try multiple soups, and people tend to take smaller portions.
The great thing about crafting is you can do it quietly or you can talk. I don’t knit, but I love adult coloring books, so I bring those. I have a new friend who realized there was no sewing community in our town, so she created one.
For your soup night how do you get the word out? How often do you remind people?
I'm hoping to get a regular Friday night dinner thing happening but I just feel like no one will come and I'll just end up annoying people, pestering them to show up.
We've tried to invite others to gatherings at our house before, people didn't come for the most part.
We're inviting people as it feels natural (a mix of reach outs on text and face to face "oh you should come over"), and then we try to send out a text message reminder a few days ahead to gently elicit RSVPs. So far it's been a mix of group texts (trying to guide folks to RSVP directly to us individually so they don't get spammed by everyone else's responses) and just sticking to text chains between us and other couples (but then you have to remember to text them too).
Sometimes I let people know if someone else they know is coming, so they don't just feel like they won't know anyone! I think the regularity is important because most people don't come the first week they are invited but if they know they can come a future week they'll start planning around it.
BONUS: if you function in gendered communication groups where only the women plan things and communicate, incorporate all adults in the couples in communications, this is my personal secret mission in life.
Thank you for the reply. We're kind of expecting people to flake out, so I'll give it a few tries to see if people become more willing. I hear so many people say they want in person community, but their actions don't align.
I hear this a lot do, people's actions vs their words. I will say: Keep going. I think you have to find the people with whom this feels like a give and take. If it feels like no one is giving you any energy or invites back, keep looking for the people that do. I am pretty convinced those people are there and the "no one really wants this" thing is another form of avoidance (speaking for myself, not you!).
I ended up doing a dinner last Friday and only one person flaked out last minute (someone who has a history of organization and time management struggles) and one of the couples decided to host their own dinner and invited us in a few weeks and we'll be hosting again later in April so the ball is indeed rolling!
We do Tuesday mornings (weekly) and third Thursday nights but honestly I think that was just because it fit well into our museum schedule... main thing is that it is regular and predictable so people can keep coming back!
Recently, I joined a group of about 15 people, all ages etc., who come together for an hour or so once a week to sing. It's not a choir and we are not very good but we belt out anything from arias, hymns, protest songs, folk songs, pop songs, whoever brings along ideas and the lyrics. We dare each other with harmonies and do and fail with rounders, plenty of laughter and a cheerful "goodbye, see you next week" at the end.
I love this idea! What do folks bring for songs everyone might not know? Like, do you have a speaker playing the song in the background like karaoke? Or does the person with the song idea “teach” the song to the others?
One of the group is a retired opera singer and she usually starts us with some breathing exercises and a bit of "do re mi" up and down the scales and blowing rrrrs and so on. No background music, no teaching, the songs we bring (just lyrics) are well known. Examples from last week: Ode to Joy, Yesterday, Bella Ciao, Moonriver, Those were the days my friend, If I had a hammer, Frère Jacques (brother John) for rounders . . . Those who know a song just start, usually the others join in at some stage. Some songs we sing twice.
I think your point that "we're just looking for people" is so important. Not everyone needs to be a perfect BFF right off the bat! I have a neighbor who helps with gardening advice, a neighbor who helps with home repair advice, a neighbor who helps pick up packages -- they're all lovely, but none of them is my best friend. This is ok! <3
Have you Watched join or die on Netflix? It’s very interesting and shows how these civic society type gatherings have a huge effect on the quality of democracy too. We have children and tend to want to invite people over for cake and hanging out - less work than dinner so more likely to do it and who does not want cake
Cake is a great idea (sounds very British) and love any idea that makes things easier / lower effort. Have not watched that, however I have read Robert Putnam's book Bowling Alone -- I think the doc is based heavily on that?
Such an important theme and observation. There is a real conspiracy. Against community and association. It is evidence by its success. People - if they go out - walking around sealed off inside a private sound “world”. From others and from external reality. They are becoming mere ordinal points, cogs in a distant wheel, programmed and compliant. This movement is a strike against that pervasive phenomenon.
I’ve taken to just reaching out to interesting looking people in public places. Some are put out, feel intruded upon. Others are delighted to lift the mantle of loneliness and alienation and have an unscripted encounter with another real person. Fear of rejection? Yes, but the rewards so far are out of proportion to the injection of interest into my life.
The prevalence of Airpods in the Gen Z generation kind of blows my mind to be honest. I get that for some it's a sensory preference but boy howdy does come across as selfish to me. I'm not that old either, mid 30s and never would have considered listening to a headset at work or in public ALL of the time. End rant.
Honestly I am guilty of this -- mostly because I want to listen to my podcasts when I'm by myself! But I'm going to start making a point to wear them lest. (I do at least always take them out when I walk into a store etc.)
Some employers prohibit the use of iPods or headphones. It is considered a bit rude to wear them at work unless you’re doing a solo, mind numbing job. I always take them out inside stores as well. I never thought about that!
I agree that it has always been perceived as rude to me. However I have multiple coworkers who walk in on day 1 wearing Airpods! Wild to me but they use them and it doesn't affect their performance whatsoever.
It really does give the perception that they don’t want to talk to anyone and literally want to tune out. Do you think they know that? Or do they just think it’s normal behavior around other human beings you need to interact with?
Oh they definitely do and have said they want to just turn on their music and do their tasks for at least a portion of the day. I work a physically demanding job at a horse farm so at first I was concerned about safety but now I'm used to it? Or at least used to folks taking their earbuds out or tapping off their Airpods before answering a question. It still low key shocks me though. I just do my work and if I'm not chatting with anyone stare into space! 😊
That’s the loneliness epidemic right there. If you’re wearing your earbuds all the time you float through your day unconnected to other people. Even if you don’t want to talk to people, you still hear other people. You’re still experiencing what they are experiencing.
Last June, with 2 small toddlers at home, I decided I needed to create a container like this. I ended up creating a monthly dinner club open to anyone in or near our neighborhood with the express purpose of meeting new friends and neighbors with small kids. It’s a potluck. It’s got a few consistent guidelines and a fun invite. It’s also been surprisingly almost entirely new folks each time. I kind of see it as my “outer rung” — a space to generate new relationships. If I get some consistency from some folks, I plan to create more of an “inner rung” container as well.
Simultaneously, I started investing time and consistency in a local Quaker community and my son’s school community. Both provide regular containers and invite more diversity into the mix.
Something I’ve been realizing is the need for not just one circle. Ideally, we’ve got our hands (and lives) intentionally in several containers to see what feels congruent and because I think in this case, more is often better!
Hi Elle! My primary sourcing came from WhatsApp groups, believe it or not. One associated with the community my doula created and one for parents in my neighborhood. I also actively encourage people to bring others, though that hasn’t been the primary driver of newbies yet!
It's only a slight exaggeration to say this is all I have thought about for the last 15 years. Really struggling with this in a big city in the US right now, thank you for articulating what you are experimenting with here! Brb while I go have kids.
Oh, so many people who don't have kids are also finding ways to improve this in their lives - Please read the comments here for inspiration! In my experience, kids just made the loneliness and desperation so acute that it forced me to do something about it -- but it's certainly not the only way through.
I've been the co-founder of a Writers' Club in Vienna, Austria since the past 2 years. We meet on the last Thursday of every month to give feedback on each other's writing. it's been great. Have you heard of the German concept of "Stammtisch"? I'm planning to start one now after reading your posts :)
Your cafe experience reminded me of a place that I went to a few times when I was unemployed early last year. They had free wifi and a good lunch deal great food - hence why I was hanging out there! The staff barely looked at me when I went in and it just felt 'off'. However, I started doing some of my job hunting and writing in a different cafe that was equally not too far away from my apartment, and it has been such a different experience. I even wrote about it as my 'Third Place' on my newsletter here. The staff are lovely, and I know many of them by name as well as some of the other customers. I still try to go once a week, even though I have been working on and off since then.
I'm convinced that the reason AA helps some people stop drinking is that it promotes the kind of easygoing social connections you're discussing here. The meetings can be a mixed-bag, but lots of people, if they have time, will go out for coffee or a meal before or afterward, to a place like Coffee Bean.
I also love my dog park communities. I'm in Atlanta, and I was lucky to find a cheapish, no-frills studio apartment near Piedmont Park. I'll see a lot of the same people most mornings and most evenings. (I have a minor crush on a dog-walker I've been talking to.) It helps that in my morning dog park group, we've decided for the most part not to talk about politics.
Dog parks were always my favorite way to enjoy the company of other people in a low key way. I didn’t make any friends that I took away from it, but it just always felt good to see people and chat. I don’t have a dog now 😕
I miss dog parks so much. They are much more scarce in the Baltimore area than they were when I lived in Austin (which is extremely dog friendly). Plus they often have fees for entry. I used to meet people at the dog park all the time. Should probably get off my butt and investigate some of the options here though.
How surprised was I to find my comment featured in your essay?! Friday Afternoon Wine was one of my favorite things. Now I live somewhere else (Australia), and my kid is grown, so I’ve had to look elsewhere for community. Book club, monday morning social tennis, yoga class where they welcome me back after months away. I also participate in a loose group of American expat women over 50 that meets about once a month and that’s been really great for me. I keep thinking about trying to recreate the vibe of Friday Afternoon Wine but have made all sorts of excuses. I should try again.
I hope that's okay Heide! I've thought about your comment a lot and am going to try something similar this spring/summer. Friday afternoons/evenings are the part of parenting that draaaaag the most for me, so I like the idea of this so much. Especially the wine :)
Of course it’s okay! I’m honored! Everyone is ready for a glass of wine on Friday afternoon, especially mothers of small children, and especially if you have a house or garden where the children can run around freely.
So on the money as always Rosie. My version of this is a loose collective of 30 something women with whom I host “full moon dinners” which sounds more woo than it is.
The idea was simply to avoid scheduling headaches - it’s just a potluck dinner, every full moon. You know the dates for the full year in advance. Sometimes a Tuesday, sometimes a Saturday, but there’s always one day that everyone can make.
Bonus points for this idea having a celestial bent!
So essentially we are the old guys at the CBTL. Friday mornings at the local coffee shop where we jokingly call our area "The Table of Knowledge" Some of us are retired, others are lucky enough to be able to shave an hour out of the beginning of the day to drop in. No agenda. The retirees check the obits, we'll talk about the foxes raising kits in another neighbor's yard, and gripe about the news, as people come and go.
Favorite comment on this post! Thank you for sharing.
We moved to a small town in 2022. We knew one couple - an old friend from the bigger city we were all willingly priced-out of.
At the end of 2023 I started a local book club, meeting in town on Wednesday at 5PM - deliberately not accessible to people from out of town. It now has 7 regular members, half from “out of town” like us, half local for life.
The town council facilitates for free the promotion of community events on boards, so I made posters and first sent them monthly, then quarterly, and now not at all. We like our small group. We now know each other, and I got quite close with two people. New friendships have grown out of that.
It took us 9 months at least to get to that point. First meeting for a casual coffee to chat about books, then making other plans like attending craft events, and we’re now hosting our own crafting+wine in each others’ houses. When my husband had to “abandon” me on my birthday, I had enough people to invite over for a candle-lit tea and pie on Monday night to keep me company.
I think the key is consistency over time - which is really a simple definition of “care”.
You don’t always have to be there, but show up enough and express the regret for not being able to join when you can’t show up, and suddenly a bunch of strangers are your friends, and you have local people you can hang out with, rely on, borrow things from.
Building community is mostly boring mixed with small touch points (send your group chat some memes every now and then, it makes everyone happy). But that’s just real life. Next-day delivery is artificial brain junk food. All good things take time.
Magic! Thank you so much for sharing.
I love this idea - might start a book club in my village now!
It was worth it, but the first 3 months of nobody showing up was hard. I nearly gave up. 😬🫢
What do you think changed things after three months?
Two things - I started in November. People are preoccupied with the usual end of year shenanigans. January is also a time a lot of people start new things.
And the second thing - I think seeing posters about consistently let people know this is actually happening.
I did get lucky with the people who joined, maybe nothing changed in reality and it was just meant to be?
They just wanted to make sure they could trust you. ❤️
Love this article, Rosie. We moved to a new neighbourhood ( downsized) and left many close friends in our old one. After a few months of meeting NO ONE ( even though I tried— walking my dog sssslllowly past homes and trying to make eye contact and always smiling), I put a note in the Neighbourhood Facebook page and said my husband and I would love to meet you, we are putting a table out, with some wine and snacks at the end of our driveway next Sunday … we hope you come say hello. 9 families came! Some people ex said they had lived there for years and had never met anyone! All said thank you!
Yes! This is the way.
A simple, 4 word text, “driveway coffee Saturday 8 am?” gets it started. We bring our own chair and coffee. Two hours later we have learned, revealed, discussed, reminisced, critiqued, laughed, considered and often cried, as we agreed to do this again soon.
Saying “yes” to opportunities have been a game changer, and require very little effort, with a lot of reward. For some, this small encounter means everything.
Love this Eileen, driveway coffee sounds very MW if you know what I mean :)
I love that this takes place outside. 💕
I have two spaces like this! My husband and I started a Sunday Soup Night this winter; we've so far invited a few dozen friends and family and attendance has ranged from 2 to 15 guests a week. The simple rules are: house is open from 5-8 every week, contributions are welcome but not expected, RSVPs are helpful but not required. As we find our feet for hosting larger groups each week we're working to widen the invite list to neighbors we don't know well but hope to know better. we'd been talking about doing something like this for years - we love cooking and we have a home and so this was something we could create. This newsletter definitely helped me feel like this was actually an essential thing to do in this time in human history. It already feels essential. And so easy to just invite anyone new, the barrier for us is so low!
The second space is one I created in my professional life. I work at a museum in a programs role, and when I started there there was no sense that we should offer free programs - everything we did was supposed to be revenue generating. But that felt silly to me and I eventually created two new programs, which we called Makers Morning and Makers Night. Similar concept to both: bring your own project, show up ready to talk about what you're making and talk about making things with other people. We get everything from knitters to quilters, spoon carvers to scrapbookers. Makers Night is monthly, and always at the museum. It has a sweet little regular crew.
Makers Morning has always been weekly, originally also at the museum. But during COVID we moved it online and realized it made barriers so low, some kept it that way. You can literally pop in for 15 minutes, or stay for an hour and half, you don't have to drive anywhere or pack up your stuff. It's been particularly accessible for a segment of older folks who aren't super mobile but can use basic technology (do I still coach about Zoom settings most weeks? sure do). We have a core group here too and I adore them.
A whole bunch of IRL friendships have been created out of the zoom friendships. I have watched people finish quilts they started 30 years ago, try a completely new craft because someone else talked about it, pull out heirlooms to figure out how their great-grandmother made them... such good stuff. And I don't know how we did this but we have such good vibes in both spaces. It's not judgy, it's not show-offy. It's eagerly curious, ready to problem solve, and decisively friendly. Since both are regular, you can come and go, and I've even seen people make it a time to specifically meet with friends.
One final interesting note is that I do play gatekeeper to some degree for both of these spaces. I've had requests from students and researchers to come in and interview people because they consider this a captive audience, and I'm super against this - this community is giving us nothing but their time but I'm not going to take that away from them for something else. Of course, everyone is welcome to join but we don't let the conversation get hijacked into a presentation. And I do sometimes get comments from people who drop in and then drop out, and email me later to say it's not a friendly group. I think mostly they mean it's not what they expected or that they wish everyone went around every week to give an introduction. But for the most part, I or my colleague are there to moderate and just make sure no one person completely overtakes the conversation, so we leave it to everyone to talk as much or as little as they like. Hearing about people's dogs and exercise classes and travel is part of the package as is super nerdy talks about bowl turning and favorite knitting patterns. I do think this also partly comes from the fact that lots of folks aren't used to jumping into a conversation that has been developing over years; yes it can be a bit awkward at the beginning but also if you're patient, it's so fulfilling.
Thank you for sharing this. You sound really good at this -- keep going!
Such wonderful, inspiring examples. Thank you for sharing! I'm not familiar with the concept of soup nights, but do you and your husband prepare soup for everyone who might come? How does that work when people don't RSVP but still show up anyway?
We have generally been making two soups a week, with the expectation that if we have leftovers we'll freeze (to have back up for future soup nights) or just to eat for the coming week. It's worked out great so far! We're being strategic about which soups we serve to make sure we always have a vegetarian and/or dairy free option (the main dietary restrictions among friends). We have a chest freezer so we have place to store extras. And this has been a great way to work through some back stock in our pantry!
So far people have been pretty good about RSVPing if they will come, but we're working with folks we know pretty well in general and that might be less of the case if you're casting the net further afield.
Last tip is we've been putting out mugs, rather than big bowls. Easier to stand and hold and chat, try multiple soups, and people tend to take smaller portions.
The great thing about crafting is you can do it quietly or you can talk. I don’t knit, but I love adult coloring books, so I bring those. I have a new friend who realized there was no sewing community in our town, so she created one.
For your soup night how do you get the word out? How often do you remind people?
I'm hoping to get a regular Friday night dinner thing happening but I just feel like no one will come and I'll just end up annoying people, pestering them to show up.
We've tried to invite others to gatherings at our house before, people didn't come for the most part.
We're inviting people as it feels natural (a mix of reach outs on text and face to face "oh you should come over"), and then we try to send out a text message reminder a few days ahead to gently elicit RSVPs. So far it's been a mix of group texts (trying to guide folks to RSVP directly to us individually so they don't get spammed by everyone else's responses) and just sticking to text chains between us and other couples (but then you have to remember to text them too).
Sometimes I let people know if someone else they know is coming, so they don't just feel like they won't know anyone! I think the regularity is important because most people don't come the first week they are invited but if they know they can come a future week they'll start planning around it.
BONUS: if you function in gendered communication groups where only the women plan things and communicate, incorporate all adults in the couples in communications, this is my personal secret mission in life.
Thank you for the reply. We're kind of expecting people to flake out, so I'll give it a few tries to see if people become more willing. I hear so many people say they want in person community, but their actions don't align.
I hear this a lot do, people's actions vs their words. I will say: Keep going. I think you have to find the people with whom this feels like a give and take. If it feels like no one is giving you any energy or invites back, keep looking for the people that do. I am pretty convinced those people are there and the "no one really wants this" thing is another form of avoidance (speaking for myself, not you!).
I ended up doing a dinner last Friday and only one person flaked out last minute (someone who has a history of organization and time management struggles) and one of the couples decided to host their own dinner and invited us in a few weeks and we'll be hosting again later in April so the ball is indeed rolling!
This whole thread is a treasure trove of ideas. Thank you for sharing all those details!
Love the Makers morning and night! Sounds like something fun to start. What day of the week did you have them?
We do Tuesday mornings (weekly) and third Thursday nights but honestly I think that was just because it fit well into our museum schedule... main thing is that it is regular and predictable so people can keep coming back!
Recently, I joined a group of about 15 people, all ages etc., who come together for an hour or so once a week to sing. It's not a choir and we are not very good but we belt out anything from arias, hymns, protest songs, folk songs, pop songs, whoever brings along ideas and the lyrics. We dare each other with harmonies and do and fail with rounders, plenty of laughter and a cheerful "goodbye, see you next week" at the end.
I love this idea! What do folks bring for songs everyone might not know? Like, do you have a speaker playing the song in the background like karaoke? Or does the person with the song idea “teach” the song to the others?
One of the group is a retired opera singer and she usually starts us with some breathing exercises and a bit of "do re mi" up and down the scales and blowing rrrrs and so on. No background music, no teaching, the songs we bring (just lyrics) are well known. Examples from last week: Ode to Joy, Yesterday, Bella Ciao, Moonriver, Those were the days my friend, If I had a hammer, Frère Jacques (brother John) for rounders . . . Those who know a song just start, usually the others join in at some stage. Some songs we sing twice.
I think your point that "we're just looking for people" is so important. Not everyone needs to be a perfect BFF right off the bat! I have a neighbor who helps with gardening advice, a neighbor who helps with home repair advice, a neighbor who helps pick up packages -- they're all lovely, but none of them is my best friend. This is ok! <3
Have you Watched join or die on Netflix? It’s very interesting and shows how these civic society type gatherings have a huge effect on the quality of democracy too. We have children and tend to want to invite people over for cake and hanging out - less work than dinner so more likely to do it and who does not want cake
Who does not want cake 😌
Cake is a great idea (sounds very British) and love any idea that makes things easier / lower effort. Have not watched that, however I have read Robert Putnam's book Bowling Alone -- I think the doc is based heavily on that?
On the list - sounds fascinating.
Thank you I love cake and the idea of making dinner for a bunch of people sounds hard!!
Such an important theme and observation. There is a real conspiracy. Against community and association. It is evidence by its success. People - if they go out - walking around sealed off inside a private sound “world”. From others and from external reality. They are becoming mere ordinal points, cogs in a distant wheel, programmed and compliant. This movement is a strike against that pervasive phenomenon.
I’ve taken to just reaching out to interesting looking people in public places. Some are put out, feel intruded upon. Others are delighted to lift the mantle of loneliness and alienation and have an unscripted encounter with another real person. Fear of rejection? Yes, but the rewards so far are out of proportion to the injection of interest into my life.
I actually love how you use the word "conspiracy" to describe it. It really does feel like sometimes.
The prevalence of Airpods in the Gen Z generation kind of blows my mind to be honest. I get that for some it's a sensory preference but boy howdy does come across as selfish to me. I'm not that old either, mid 30s and never would have considered listening to a headset at work or in public ALL of the time. End rant.
Honestly I am guilty of this -- mostly because I want to listen to my podcasts when I'm by myself! But I'm going to start making a point to wear them lest. (I do at least always take them out when I walk into a store etc.)
Some employers prohibit the use of iPods or headphones. It is considered a bit rude to wear them at work unless you’re doing a solo, mind numbing job. I always take them out inside stores as well. I never thought about that!
I agree that it has always been perceived as rude to me. However I have multiple coworkers who walk in on day 1 wearing Airpods! Wild to me but they use them and it doesn't affect their performance whatsoever.
It really does give the perception that they don’t want to talk to anyone and literally want to tune out. Do you think they know that? Or do they just think it’s normal behavior around other human beings you need to interact with?
Oh they definitely do and have said they want to just turn on their music and do their tasks for at least a portion of the day. I work a physically demanding job at a horse farm so at first I was concerned about safety but now I'm used to it? Or at least used to folks taking their earbuds out or tapping off their Airpods before answering a question. It still low key shocks me though. I just do my work and if I'm not chatting with anyone stare into space! 😊
That’s the loneliness epidemic right there. If you’re wearing your earbuds all the time you float through your day unconnected to other people. Even if you don’t want to talk to people, you still hear other people. You’re still experiencing what they are experiencing.
Last June, with 2 small toddlers at home, I decided I needed to create a container like this. I ended up creating a monthly dinner club open to anyone in or near our neighborhood with the express purpose of meeting new friends and neighbors with small kids. It’s a potluck. It’s got a few consistent guidelines and a fun invite. It’s also been surprisingly almost entirely new folks each time. I kind of see it as my “outer rung” — a space to generate new relationships. If I get some consistency from some folks, I plan to create more of an “inner rung” container as well.
Simultaneously, I started investing time and consistency in a local Quaker community and my son’s school community. Both provide regular containers and invite more diversity into the mix.
Something I’ve been realizing is the need for not just one circle. Ideally, we’ve got our hands (and lives) intentionally in several containers to see what feels congruent and because I think in this case, more is often better!
I agree on multiple containers. My allotment garden is one container for me (and is not centered around parenting, which is a relief.)
Hello!
Can I ask how you ‘advertised’ the dinner club? You said it’s usually new people each month. How did they find out about it?
Hi Elle! My primary sourcing came from WhatsApp groups, believe it or not. One associated with the community my doula created and one for parents in my neighborhood. I also actively encourage people to bring others, though that hasn’t been the primary driver of newbies yet!
It's only a slight exaggeration to say this is all I have thought about for the last 15 years. Really struggling with this in a big city in the US right now, thank you for articulating what you are experimenting with here! Brb while I go have kids.
Oh, so many people who don't have kids are also finding ways to improve this in their lives - Please read the comments here for inspiration! In my experience, kids just made the loneliness and desperation so acute that it forced me to do something about it -- but it's certainly not the only way through.
I've been the co-founder of a Writers' Club in Vienna, Austria since the past 2 years. We meet on the last Thursday of every month to give feedback on each other's writing. it's been great. Have you heard of the German concept of "Stammtisch"? I'm planning to start one now after reading your posts :)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stammtisch
Oh I’d love to connect, as I’m planning to move to Vienna in a few years - if you keep up the Stammtisch I might be able to join you! 😄
Definitely! I love the city and would be happy to assist in whatever way I can
Thanks Rosie, I really enjoyed this post.
Your cafe experience reminded me of a place that I went to a few times when I was unemployed early last year. They had free wifi and a good lunch deal great food - hence why I was hanging out there! The staff barely looked at me when I went in and it just felt 'off'. However, I started doing some of my job hunting and writing in a different cafe that was equally not too far away from my apartment, and it has been such a different experience. I even wrote about it as my 'Third Place' on my newsletter here. The staff are lovely, and I know many of them by name as well as some of the other customers. I still try to go once a week, even though I have been working on and off since then.
I'm convinced that the reason AA helps some people stop drinking is that it promotes the kind of easygoing social connections you're discussing here. The meetings can be a mixed-bag, but lots of people, if they have time, will go out for coffee or a meal before or afterward, to a place like Coffee Bean.
I also love my dog park communities. I'm in Atlanta, and I was lucky to find a cheapish, no-frills studio apartment near Piedmont Park. I'll see a lot of the same people most mornings and most evenings. (I have a minor crush on a dog-walker I've been talking to.) It helps that in my morning dog park group, we've decided for the most part not to talk about politics.
Absolutely! I think you're right. Connection (to self, to others) is the root of all healing imo.
Agreed.
Dog parks were always my favorite way to enjoy the company of other people in a low key way. I didn’t make any friends that I took away from it, but it just always felt good to see people and chat. I don’t have a dog now 😕
I miss dog parks so much. They are much more scarce in the Baltimore area than they were when I lived in Austin (which is extremely dog friendly). Plus they often have fees for entry. I used to meet people at the dog park all the time. Should probably get off my butt and investigate some of the options here though.
How surprised was I to find my comment featured in your essay?! Friday Afternoon Wine was one of my favorite things. Now I live somewhere else (Australia), and my kid is grown, so I’ve had to look elsewhere for community. Book club, monday morning social tennis, yoga class where they welcome me back after months away. I also participate in a loose group of American expat women over 50 that meets about once a month and that’s been really great for me. I keep thinking about trying to recreate the vibe of Friday Afternoon Wine but have made all sorts of excuses. I should try again.
I hope that's okay Heide! I've thought about your comment a lot and am going to try something similar this spring/summer. Friday afternoons/evenings are the part of parenting that draaaaag the most for me, so I like the idea of this so much. Especially the wine :)
Of course it’s okay! I’m honored! Everyone is ready for a glass of wine on Friday afternoon, especially mothers of small children, and especially if you have a house or garden where the children can run around freely.
Love that, Heide! We had Friday driveway beers in our neighbourhood:) so many great conversations !