If I just...

A case for no to-do list Sundays

My cat, who has never heard of a to-do list.

Two summers ago, the first I lived with my partner Dan, we instituted something called “no to-do list Sundays.” It was his idea, and it arose because of something we call “if I just” syndrome in our house.

It goes like this: If I just do X, then Y and Z will suddenly become possible and easy. If I just do these seven DIY projects, then I will relax and start to enjoy my house. If I just clean the entire kitchen and maybe put on that load of laundry, then I’ll effortlessly float through a yoga practice before I start the workday. If I just become a published author in this particular way that I haven’t been published before, then I will finally feel worthy and successful. If I just get my kid to sleep through the night, then I will start to enjoy parenting more. 

You get the idea. I speak from experience when I say it’s really easy to if I just your entire day, week, life away. To wait for the moment when everything is in order, and you can finally relax into the life you suspected you deserved all along. But the problem is, there is every likelihood that moment won’t arrive. The good news is it’s also possible to defiantly put your foot down and begin enjoying things in spite of the inevitable chaos and disappointment the surrounds you. 

We returned from a two week trip to California recently, and suddenly it felt like summer was creeping up very fast. Summer is like that, isn’t it? One minute you’re dusting off your Birkenstocks and patio cushions and the next it’s mid-August and you’re frantically trying to make the most of it before the inexorable descent into winter begins anew. 

Around this time last year, I had a color-coded Excel spreadsheet of to-do list items I intended to tick off before the ultimate deadline: a due-date in mid August. But then the baby decided to arrive in late June. The non-negotiable to-do list items either got frantically completed in between trips to the hospital or were left to perish in our former lives as non-parents. I spent the rest of the summer inside with a single to-do list item: Feed the tiny baby. Constantly.

Needless to say, this summer I’m intent on maximizing the sweet, heady slowness of daylight until 10pm, of my baby’s big beautiful head in a sunhat, of the clink of ice cubes in a glass of rosé while I sit on my new front bench. But alas, I know myself. The summer to-do list I wrote is already getting long. There are five weekends in the next three months already spoken for. The time to start appreciating the expansive pause of summer — to notice its fullness, to linger at the top of the year’s inhale — is not once I complete all those things. It is right now.

So I texted Dan this week and decreed: No to-do list Sundays are back for summer. (He required zero convincing). It’s important to note that a no to-do list Sunday isn’t the same thing as not doing anything on Sunday. You can do whatever you want. If you wake up and feel compelled to be wildly productive, to write, to deep clean the inside of your kitchen cabinets, or to experiment with an ambitious recipe, you can do just that. 

The only rule is that the person calling the shots about what you will do that day is present-day you, not the you from last week who was wielding a spreadsheet. The challenge — or rather, the invitation — is to respond to what your energy levels and desires are that morning, that day. If present-day you wants to watch all of Vanderpump Rules season 10 in a single sitting, then that’s what you will do. If present-day you wants to start reading a 500 page non-fiction book you’ll probably never finish, then that’s what you will do. If present-day you wants to text a friend to see if they happen to be free for an ice cream or a pint (the best way to make plans, in my opinion), then that’s what you will to. You just have to leave the day open to ensure all these options are available to you.

One thing that my inauspicious start to motherhood has helped me accept is the fact that I am behind on everything, all the time. No matter how much I plan, how efficient I am, I will never have enough time to do all the things I want to do, see the people I want to see, start the projects I’d like to start — maybe ever again? These days I meet that ever-present truth with more of a shrug than a panic-stricken gasp. Probably because I am too tired to muster any other response, but I find it’s a positive shift nonetheless.

This approach to Sunday is not only an easy way to make your summer better, but also an opportunity to retrain some muscles that are, for many of us, inactive. Rather than ignoring how you feel and grinding through your plans regardless, it takes practice to notice and respond accordingly, even if it doesn’t look very aspirational. Another skill is to commit to enjoying life in spite of, and indeed in the midst of, all the mess and uncertainty that comes with it. It’s the only way.

So maybe you should try it, too? Accept the utter futility of trying to get everything done before you rest, or play, or loaf, or create something for the sake of it. And just give yourself a designated day to start doing it anyway. 

Things I enjoyed reading

• “If you don’t tell your story you lose it—or, what might be worse, you get lost inside it. Telling is how we cement details, preserve continuity, stay sane. We say ourselves into being every day, or else.” [New Yorker]

• A good reminder in parenting, in health, and in life: No option is completely safe. “Good decision-making would recognize risks on both sides.” [ParentData]

• I was gripped by this exploration of the invasive species known as Japanese knotweed, which causes untold lawsuits amongst UK property owners. [The Guardian]

• Almost every week of my life for the past decade, someone has asked me why I don’t want to live in America. Paris-based writer

  Lindsey Tramuta
  details what so many long-term American expats come to realize: Life in the US almost always means a worse quality of life and dealing with a healthcare system that makes it very hard to be well. [The Cut]

• My partner Dan’s serialized fiction project,

  portrait of a body (in pieces)
  hits its halfway mark this month. It’s a great time to catch up on the story and subscribe to receive the rest. It’s free to read and subscribe, you can read part one here.

• Three fun things: Why are Americans so obsessed with ice (guilty). A playlist for breakfast in a Nancy Myers kitchen. What it costs to have an aspirational middle class life in New York City, which makes me wonder why anyone wants to live in New York City.

Things I enjoyed listening to

• I’m really excited to get my hands on Sara Petersen’s new book Momfluenced. I loved this interview about the complexities of consuming mom-influencer content online, and the way we simultaneously judge, envy, and learn from the often maddening content these women post. The interview starts 30 minutes into the episode. [Be There in Five]

• After willfully avoiding the topic for a long time, I’ve been reading and thinking about AI a lot (more thoughts on that soon, maybe). This incisive interview with OpenAI founder Sam Altman — whose company created ChatGPT — is a good entry-point if you find yourself avoiding the topic too. [Honestly with Bari Weiss]

• I missed this article when it first did the rounds, but this meta exploration into the meaning of marriage via the story of a philosopher and her divorce and remarriage is so thought-provoking. I love that there is no news hook or timely angle to the story — just a deep dive into “what a human can be for another human.” There’s an audio link at the top, or you can read it. [The New Yorker]

Interview interlude

Friend of this newsletter and former Q&A subject

Simone Stolzoff

has just released his new book, The Good Enough Job. We spoke back in 2021 about how to diversify where you find meaning in life, and why the hell work took on such an outsized importance in our modern lives. This topic is so important, and Simone treats it with the curiosity and nuance it deserves. It’s out this week in the US and the UK. Congrats Simone!

Simone Stolzoff

Simone Stolzoff on Instagram: ”🎉🎉🎉 Today’s the day! My debut book, The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life from Work, is available everywhere books are sold. I wrote it because I believe in a world where we treat what we do as part—but not the entirety—of who we are. I hope you check it out! Link in bio. #amreading #igreads #bookstagram #debutbook #debutauthor #nonfiction #thegoodenoughjob”

May 23, 2023

This month I published an interview with self-described “chronically ill ex-startup CEO” — and fellow Substack writer —

Rae Katz

 . We talked about ambition, eastern vs western medicine, what is “enough,” and much more. I love hearing from readers about the way these interviews intersect with what’s going on in their lives and minds. Please continue to share!

Word soup

“Art is supposed to be about this kind of intensified experience of life … And that is totally what raising kids does to you, too … Everything becomes heightened, and the range of experience becomes so much greater. Your heart is so much more open. All of those things that we think of when we think about what’s the artist’s experience is are embodied in this idea of having children.” —Justine Kurland

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