"Every person I make an effort to get to know doesn’t have to tick every friendship box of my twenties: cool job, nice style, listens to the same podcasts, shares the same politics etc."
When I was in my late twenties, a friend of mine that was in his early forties said to me while we were on a walk "I don't care about interesting people anymore, I just want good people." That changed my life.
All that to say, another way of building a village is to make sure you get in touch with a diverse group of people. Different ages, backgrounds, genders, abilities... They might hand down a bit of wisdom that transforms you for ever and for good.
Oh wow. Truthfully, I wish I'd heard this same sentence and taken it in at any point in my twenties. It truly encapsulates why I think I've struggled so much with friends—I exclusively used to go for "interesting" people. And not to say this is universal, and I do feel bad saying it, but to be totally honest that filter led me to have almost exclusively flaky, dysfunctional, hard-to-hang-out-with, wildly unreliable, frustrating, sometimes hurtful people around me. I've been changing that filter the last few years, without knowing how to articulate the change. At times I've used the word "cool" vs. "earnest" to describe this. This sentence is so helpful!
My wife and I travel a lot. Every 2-3 years we change countries because of her work. You can probably guess how difficult it is to uproot your life this often...
But now we have it down to a science.
Whenever we go somewhere new we have a list:
1. Find the queer community, if there isn't one, start it. Set up monthly meet-ups
2. Find the hiking community, if there isn't any, start it. Set up monthly hikes.
3. I find the running community.
4. My wife finds the rugby club.
5. Find a place to volunteer.
6. Find the GGI group.
It does take a village, some times it is there to be found, other times you build it.
Thank you. It helps that we both enjoy community organizing.
Important to note that from day 1 we called it a "monthly meet-up" setting an expectation for continuous get togethers. Being consistent is very important
This reminds me a dear friend who started a walking group when she retired. They walked 5 miles, so that was the name of the group. As she got older and less able she started a new group - the four mile group. Sadly I think she is now walking in the 1 mile group.
I brought people together periodically in my 20s, but after I succumbed to the anonymity of city life and discovered I had autism in my 30s, efforts such as the ones you describe here feel very far away. Your whole post is so actionable and so human, I will be simmering on this one for some time.
I moved to a new, small town three years ago. I asked (very new) friends for favors and support and started to realize that it was when other people asked me for help when they needed it that something really powerful happened: there was trust that we both believed in the value of connection and support. It was like we were slowly adding to an invisible safety net.
Then, even when we couldn't show up for one another in person, (we all have small children and work) we still had a felt sense of support. I think one thing I have realized is that support is actually about a series of small gestures - a text, a call, a coffee left on the front porch, picking a friend's kid of for a playdate, etc than it is about big grand gestures (those are nice to but not what makes me feel deeply seen and supported).
Love these posts so much and they are so needed. My inner child had to cope alone so asking for help is a huge fight for me, but even just reading about how others are doing it is so encouraging. I've been hosting more playdates recently and definitely realise it's so much easier with multiple kids and parents than doing it alone and I feel so much more at ease.
A post about humanity. I loved it! Maybe another point could be: "selfish people, this is for you". Damn, it feels SO GOOD in your own mind and body to offer help and support, even if you're already overwhelmed and tired (who said young kids). Just smiling at someone feels great. Holding the door. Nannying a toddler while mamma is giving birth. Karma <3
Thank you for this text, it got me thinking a lot about the time and space I hold for building up a village in my life – and how to do that in person, not only online. ❤
Having cared for my terminally ill husband and teenage child, who not surprisingly had problems, I endorse the idea that you give choices, you don’t just ask and leave the stressed person to decide - and have the guilt of feeling they should not ask. We are moving from London in the hope of finding a community, and I will take your advice to heart.
My husband and I recently moved to Copenhagen from Egypt - everyone thnks its just the coolest thing but we both feel that we have left a huge intangible "web" behind that could never be recreated. a really big sacrifice. the secret web of the village is worth living for. and i think you just said it perfectly. i wish everyone in cairo (who is dying to get out of there) would realize this privilege!
Other communities are usually much better at this. The idea of a nuclear family, where the children don't play outside with other local children and go into other family houses, creates an unsustainable burden on the parents and the child.
"Every person I make an effort to get to know doesn’t have to tick every friendship box of my twenties: cool job, nice style, listens to the same podcasts, shares the same politics etc."
When I was in my late twenties, a friend of mine that was in his early forties said to me while we were on a walk "I don't care about interesting people anymore, I just want good people." That changed my life.
All that to say, another way of building a village is to make sure you get in touch with a diverse group of people. Different ages, backgrounds, genders, abilities... They might hand down a bit of wisdom that transforms you for ever and for good.
Oh wow. Truthfully, I wish I'd heard this same sentence and taken it in at any point in my twenties. It truly encapsulates why I think I've struggled so much with friends—I exclusively used to go for "interesting" people. And not to say this is universal, and I do feel bad saying it, but to be totally honest that filter led me to have almost exclusively flaky, dysfunctional, hard-to-hang-out-with, wildly unreliable, frustrating, sometimes hurtful people around me. I've been changing that filter the last few years, without knowing how to articulate the change. At times I've used the word "cool" vs. "earnest" to describe this. This sentence is so helpful!
Agreed. If only I had heard this when I was younger instead of only pursuing “fascinating” people.
No matter when it comes in life, it's a good lesson. One that it seems you've already figured out. All the best building that village of yours!
Very validating.
My wife and I travel a lot. Every 2-3 years we change countries because of her work. You can probably guess how difficult it is to uproot your life this often...
But now we have it down to a science.
Whenever we go somewhere new we have a list:
1. Find the queer community, if there isn't one, start it. Set up monthly meet-ups
2. Find the hiking community, if there isn't any, start it. Set up monthly hikes.
3. I find the running community.
4. My wife finds the rugby club.
5. Find a place to volunteer.
6. Find the GGI group.
It does take a village, some times it is there to be found, other times you build it.
“If there isn’t any, start it.” I love how you have broken this down! Great advice.
Thank you. It helps that we both enjoy community organizing.
Important to note that from day 1 we called it a "monthly meet-up" setting an expectation for continuous get togethers. Being consistent is very important
This reminds me a dear friend who started a walking group when she retired. They walked 5 miles, so that was the name of the group. As she got older and less able she started a new group - the four mile group. Sadly I think she is now walking in the 1 mile group.
I love this
I brought people together periodically in my 20s, but after I succumbed to the anonymity of city life and discovered I had autism in my 30s, efforts such as the ones you describe here feel very far away. Your whole post is so actionable and so human, I will be simmering on this one for some time.
I’m so glad the suggestions feel actionable in some way!
I moved to a new, small town three years ago. I asked (very new) friends for favors and support and started to realize that it was when other people asked me for help when they needed it that something really powerful happened: there was trust that we both believed in the value of connection and support. It was like we were slowly adding to an invisible safety net.
Then, even when we couldn't show up for one another in person, (we all have small children and work) we still had a felt sense of support. I think one thing I have realized is that support is actually about a series of small gestures - a text, a call, a coffee left on the front porch, picking a friend's kid of for a playdate, etc than it is about big grand gestures (those are nice to but not what makes me feel deeply seen and supported).
Love these posts so much and they are so needed. My inner child had to cope alone so asking for help is a huge fight for me, but even just reading about how others are doing it is so encouraging. I've been hosting more playdates recently and definitely realise it's so much easier with multiple kids and parents than doing it alone and I feel so much more at ease.
A post about humanity. I loved it! Maybe another point could be: "selfish people, this is for you". Damn, it feels SO GOOD in your own mind and body to offer help and support, even if you're already overwhelmed and tired (who said young kids). Just smiling at someone feels great. Holding the door. Nannying a toddler while mamma is giving birth. Karma <3
Thank you for this text, it got me thinking a lot about the time and space I hold for building up a village in my life – and how to do that in person, not only online. ❤
Thanks for including my comment! I've had such a nice morning exploring the links and thinking about ways to strengthen my web of obligations.
Your comment really impacted me the most! Thanks for giving me the sub-heading of the piece :)
Having cared for my terminally ill husband and teenage child, who not surprisingly had problems, I endorse the idea that you give choices, you don’t just ask and leave the stressed person to decide - and have the guilt of feeling they should not ask. We are moving from London in the hope of finding a community, and I will take your advice to heart.
Most important/relevant thing i’ve read all year. Thank you for this🤍
i think it would be interesting to you to do cultural research around this support system worldwide (specifically the Arab world)
I agree! I covered it a little bit in this interview: https://rojospinks.substack.com/p/why-are-we-so-weird-with-michaeleen
My husband and I recently moved to Copenhagen from Egypt - everyone thnks its just the coolest thing but we both feel that we have left a huge intangible "web" behind that could never be recreated. a really big sacrifice. the secret web of the village is worth living for. and i think you just said it perfectly. i wish everyone in cairo (who is dying to get out of there) would realize this privilege!
Wow this is such an amazing comment. Thanks for sharing!
Other communities are usually much better at this. The idea of a nuclear family, where the children don't play outside with other local children and go into other family houses, creates an unsustainable burden on the parents and the child.
love!!!