"Every person I make an effort to get to know doesn’t have to tick every friendship box of my twenties: cool job, nice style, listens to the same podcasts, shares the same politics etc."
When I was in my late twenties, a friend of mine that was in his early forties said to me while we were on a walk "I don't care about interesting people anymore, I just want good people." That changed my life.
All that to say, another way of building a village is to make sure you get in touch with a diverse group of people. Different ages, backgrounds, genders, abilities... They might hand down a bit of wisdom that transforms you for ever and for good.
Oh wow. Truthfully, I wish I'd heard this same sentence and taken it in at any point in my twenties. It truly encapsulates why I think I've struggled so much with friends—I exclusively used to go for "interesting" people. And not to say this is universal, and I do feel bad saying it, but to be totally honest that filter led me to have almost exclusively flaky, dysfunctional, hard-to-hang-out-with, wildly unreliable, frustrating, sometimes hurtful people around me. I've been changing that filter the last few years, without knowing how to articulate the change. At times I've used the word "cool" vs. "earnest" to describe this. This sentence is so helpful!
My wife and I travel a lot. Every 2-3 years we change countries because of her work. You can probably guess how difficult it is to uproot your life this often...
But now we have it down to a science.
Whenever we go somewhere new we have a list:
1. Find the queer community, if there isn't one, start it. Set up monthly meet-ups
2. Find the hiking community, if there isn't any, start it. Set up monthly hikes.
3. I find the running community.
4. My wife finds the rugby club.
5. Find a place to volunteer.
6. Find the GGI group.
It does take a village, some times it is there to be found, other times you build it.
Thank you. It helps that we both enjoy community organizing.
Important to note that from day 1 we called it a "monthly meet-up" setting an expectation for continuous get togethers. Being consistent is very important
This reminds me a dear friend who started a walking group when she retired. They walked 5 miles, so that was the name of the group. As she got older and less able she started a new group - the four mile group. Sadly I think she is now walking in the 1 mile group.
I moved to a new, small town three years ago. I asked (very new) friends for favors and support and started to realize that it was when other people asked me for help when they needed it that something really powerful happened: there was trust that we both believed in the value of connection and support. It was like we were slowly adding to an invisible safety net.
Then, even when we couldn't show up for one another in person, (we all have small children and work) we still had a felt sense of support. I think one thing I have realized is that support is actually about a series of small gestures - a text, a call, a coffee left on the front porch, picking a friend's kid of for a playdate, etc than it is about big grand gestures (those are nice to but not what makes me feel deeply seen and supported).
I brought people together periodically in my 20s, but after I succumbed to the anonymity of city life and discovered I had autism in my 30s, efforts such as the ones you describe here feel very far away. Your whole post is so actionable and so human, I will be simmering on this one for some time.
Love these posts so much and they are so needed. My inner child had to cope alone so asking for help is a huge fight for me, but even just reading about how others are doing it is so encouraging. I've been hosting more playdates recently and definitely realise it's so much easier with multiple kids and parents than doing it alone and I feel so much more at ease.
A post about humanity. I loved it! Maybe another point could be: "selfish people, this is for you". Damn, it feels SO GOOD in your own mind and body to offer help and support, even if you're already overwhelmed and tired (who said young kids). Just smiling at someone feels great. Holding the door. Nannying a toddler while mamma is giving birth. Karma <3
This subject has been so much on my mind lately. As a childless, immigrant, introvert, I often look around and wonder where my village is. Mine is scattered far and wide. Thanks for these thought-provoking prompts. It's one of the big elephants in the room of our modern age I think...
Having cared for my terminally ill husband and teenage child, who not surprisingly had problems, I endorse the idea that you give choices, you don’t just ask and leave the stressed person to decide - and have the guilt of feeling they should not ask. We are moving from London in the hope of finding a community, and I will take your advice to heart.
Thank you for this text, it got me thinking a lot about the time and space I hold for building up a village in my life – and how to do that in person, not only online. ❤
I love this idea of building a web of support through quantity, not necessarily quality, and being open to being the person who asks twice and shares contact information. I have definitely been through times in my life where I've been so focused on the day-to-day hustle that I've neglected this. But connection can come in so many different forms - starting small can feel achievable and provide great foundations to slowly build on. ❤️
Thank you. Building community and bringing people in comes so naturally to me. It is so hard working with people so willing to cancel, not show up. I like the suggestion of asking again
I've recently moved in with my boyfriend and his two young daughters (5 and 7), we have them half the time. For a few years he was in survival mode, and now that we are a family unit, its time to grow our village. We have no family nearby, some very good friends, but not a village of people to count on. We need Sunday afternoon hang outs, and people to call ICE. It is particularly hard in this stepmom role, where I am not involved in school activities, but am craving a network of moms/locals (Brooklyn/Fort Greene). Lots to consider in this article, thank you!
I really appreciate this post. I’m a strong advocate of local community activism and support and often my peers ask me how - this is a fantastic, gentle roadmap on how they can reflect about building their own village. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reflections!
This synergises a lot with how we approach https://overtotheyouth.com/ , and we often say that "it takes a village" to help heal the damage that successive generations of community disruption has inflicted on youth. It's also sparking a few ideas both for that writing and other areas of my life - which is a marker of success for sure. Thank you greatly for this piece!
"Every person I make an effort to get to know doesn’t have to tick every friendship box of my twenties: cool job, nice style, listens to the same podcasts, shares the same politics etc."
When I was in my late twenties, a friend of mine that was in his early forties said to me while we were on a walk "I don't care about interesting people anymore, I just want good people." That changed my life.
All that to say, another way of building a village is to make sure you get in touch with a diverse group of people. Different ages, backgrounds, genders, abilities... They might hand down a bit of wisdom that transforms you for ever and for good.
Oh wow. Truthfully, I wish I'd heard this same sentence and taken it in at any point in my twenties. It truly encapsulates why I think I've struggled so much with friends—I exclusively used to go for "interesting" people. And not to say this is universal, and I do feel bad saying it, but to be totally honest that filter led me to have almost exclusively flaky, dysfunctional, hard-to-hang-out-with, wildly unreliable, frustrating, sometimes hurtful people around me. I've been changing that filter the last few years, without knowing how to articulate the change. At times I've used the word "cool" vs. "earnest" to describe this. This sentence is so helpful!
Agreed. If only I had heard this when I was younger instead of only pursuing “fascinating” people.
No matter when it comes in life, it's a good lesson. One that it seems you've already figured out. All the best building that village of yours!
Very validating.
My wife and I travel a lot. Every 2-3 years we change countries because of her work. You can probably guess how difficult it is to uproot your life this often...
But now we have it down to a science.
Whenever we go somewhere new we have a list:
1. Find the queer community, if there isn't one, start it. Set up monthly meet-ups
2. Find the hiking community, if there isn't any, start it. Set up monthly hikes.
3. I find the running community.
4. My wife finds the rugby club.
5. Find a place to volunteer.
6. Find the GGI group.
It does take a village, some times it is there to be found, other times you build it.
“If there isn’t any, start it.” I love how you have broken this down! Great advice.
Thank you. It helps that we both enjoy community organizing.
Important to note that from day 1 we called it a "monthly meet-up" setting an expectation for continuous get togethers. Being consistent is very important
This reminds me a dear friend who started a walking group when she retired. They walked 5 miles, so that was the name of the group. As she got older and less able she started a new group - the four mile group. Sadly I think she is now walking in the 1 mile group.
I love this
what's a GGI group?
Girl Gone International. Look them up on Facebook. They organize events in many cities. I'm a host in Saigon
I moved to a new, small town three years ago. I asked (very new) friends for favors and support and started to realize that it was when other people asked me for help when they needed it that something really powerful happened: there was trust that we both believed in the value of connection and support. It was like we were slowly adding to an invisible safety net.
Then, even when we couldn't show up for one another in person, (we all have small children and work) we still had a felt sense of support. I think one thing I have realized is that support is actually about a series of small gestures - a text, a call, a coffee left on the front porch, picking a friend's kid of for a playdate, etc than it is about big grand gestures (those are nice to but not what makes me feel deeply seen and supported).
I brought people together periodically in my 20s, but after I succumbed to the anonymity of city life and discovered I had autism in my 30s, efforts such as the ones you describe here feel very far away. Your whole post is so actionable and so human, I will be simmering on this one for some time.
I’m so glad the suggestions feel actionable in some way!
Fellow autistic city dweller- I'd be happy to listen if you want to talk thinks out :)
Love these posts so much and they are so needed. My inner child had to cope alone so asking for help is a huge fight for me, but even just reading about how others are doing it is so encouraging. I've been hosting more playdates recently and definitely realise it's so much easier with multiple kids and parents than doing it alone and I feel so much more at ease.
A post about humanity. I loved it! Maybe another point could be: "selfish people, this is for you". Damn, it feels SO GOOD in your own mind and body to offer help and support, even if you're already overwhelmed and tired (who said young kids). Just smiling at someone feels great. Holding the door. Nannying a toddler while mamma is giving birth. Karma <3
This subject has been so much on my mind lately. As a childless, immigrant, introvert, I often look around and wonder where my village is. Mine is scattered far and wide. Thanks for these thought-provoking prompts. It's one of the big elephants in the room of our modern age I think...
I agree -- the big elephant. What's the point of all this progress if we're all lonely as a result?
Having cared for my terminally ill husband and teenage child, who not surprisingly had problems, I endorse the idea that you give choices, you don’t just ask and leave the stressed person to decide - and have the guilt of feeling they should not ask. We are moving from London in the hope of finding a community, and I will take your advice to heart.
Thank you for this text, it got me thinking a lot about the time and space I hold for building up a village in my life – and how to do that in person, not only online. ❤
Thanks for including my comment! I've had such a nice morning exploring the links and thinking about ways to strengthen my web of obligations.
Your comment really impacted me the most! Thanks for giving me the sub-heading of the piece :)
I love this idea of building a web of support through quantity, not necessarily quality, and being open to being the person who asks twice and shares contact information. I have definitely been through times in my life where I've been so focused on the day-to-day hustle that I've neglected this. But connection can come in so many different forms - starting small can feel achievable and provide great foundations to slowly build on. ❤️
Starting small is the key, I think.
Late comment but thanks so much for this! I especially take to heart the ‘you don’t need friends you need people’ piece of advice
Thank you. Building community and bringing people in comes so naturally to me. It is so hard working with people so willing to cancel, not show up. I like the suggestion of asking again
I've recently moved in with my boyfriend and his two young daughters (5 and 7), we have them half the time. For a few years he was in survival mode, and now that we are a family unit, its time to grow our village. We have no family nearby, some very good friends, but not a village of people to count on. We need Sunday afternoon hang outs, and people to call ICE. It is particularly hard in this stepmom role, where I am not involved in school activities, but am craving a network of moms/locals (Brooklyn/Fort Greene). Lots to consider in this article, thank you!
I really appreciate this post. I’m a strong advocate of local community activism and support and often my peers ask me how - this is a fantastic, gentle roadmap on how they can reflect about building their own village. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reflections!
This synergises a lot with how we approach https://overtotheyouth.com/ , and we often say that "it takes a village" to help heal the damage that successive generations of community disruption has inflicted on youth. It's also sparking a few ideas both for that writing and other areas of my life - which is a marker of success for sure. Thank you greatly for this piece!